Something like an annual review

Things that have amused me this year:

The Periodic Table of Awesoments
Chuck Norris (I know. That happens EVERY year.)
Being the proxy for Rae's swearing so she doesn't have to pay herself
Boo's McGuyver Moment
Gwen and her scrapping skillz
Alisa's writing. <--I'd link you but she's protected the blog.
Molly's observations about motherhood
Zeitgeist
Facebook
Twitter
Your Mom
My Mom
Life
The Universe
Everything

Hey hey! Look at this!

Dear World:

No matter what you do, do *not* introduce your parents to Skype or webcams. You will spend the REST OF YOUR LIFE *watching* them make hotel reservations, critique your study habits and offer advice. When you're listening, at least you can multi-task!

Yes, I realize it's an awesome program. Yes, I know it's connectivity and that it's thrilling for them to see their grandbaby. Yes, I know that it's free. Yes, I know that seeing your parents is valuable but it will SUCK YOUR LIFE AWAY.

This is my advice, dear world. Just think about what I've said.


Lovingly,

Steph

Ah, the reactions I cause.

This is what C. looks like when I talk to her about life, the Universe and everything.

Winter and ovens

It's that time of year. The time of year when the sun does a quick curtsy every day and usually that's behind the clouds. So I go into my kitchen and remove the dial from the oven so later, when my head is inside, I won't be able to easily accomplish my goal.

I know this is being glib about suicide. I apologize to those who may be offended by it. But I'm only mostly kidding.

People often ask me why I live in Missoula. My answers are family, summers and 'have you seen a picture of where I live?'. They ask that, however, when I'm weeping into the phone and the sound is reverberating around the oven. Without fail, these calls happen between December and February. Here, in the wonderful mountains, fog and clouds often stay for days during those months. From my south-facing bedroom windows, I can literally watch the crescent of the sun as it breaks over the mountains and, seven hours later, falls back behind them. When I can actually see it I burn out my retinas by watching it in lustful thrall for those hours. All of them. Praying it will take me through the next three or four thousand million years where I can't see or feel it.

I know, I know. Melodrama. But you know what? That's how I feel! I just wanted to put it out there to remind me and to tell all of the others I know are close, "Take your head out of the oven, go to Home Depot buy a lamp and a full-spectrum light. Shine it directly into your mug every day for 10 minutes at breakfast. We'll make it until March."

On meandering though the weeds.

I know my blog posts have been few and far between lately. I promise it's just me loving you. You don't need to hear my Emo-Teen-Starving-Artist-Angsty-Whoa-Is-Me-Blah-Blah posts. Truly. The other day I was writing about them and my diary actually yawned.

Yes, it's that bad.

Tonight I spent some time setting up my lights for Christmas and decorating for my second Christmas in my own place. Last year didn't count because I was living with Laurie and Tom, who had a huge home filled with Laurie's lifelong Christmas acquisitions and I didn't even bother to contribute anything other than a pie.

As my lights were going up and I was getting the corner ready for the tree I'll go cut down tomorrow, I was touched by the sweet memories of all my friends. I laughed thinking about blog posts for my birthday--I loved that! I chuckled at the funny ideas we've had, for instance the huge house in Savannah that Amber & I will eventually buy where we will sit on our front porch and shoot puppies and men at our leisure from our rocking chairs. I cried at our losses this year.* It has not been a good year for us, as a whole. Then was the moment to think about all the love we've shared in the wake of our losses. And for that, my friends, I'm truly thankful.

Now, here's to the holidays, singletons, loving each other and (Please, Dear God) a better 2009.



*Which, amazingly, is also the point where I took my PROZAC and decided to chill the hell out.

Ok, Gwen, you started it.

You Are Chinese Checkers

You live a hyper, fast paced life. You rarely ever slow down. You are good at juggling many things at once. You are the ultimate multi-tasker. You enjoy being in a group - in fact the bigger the group, the better. You are an enthusiastic competitor, and you can be a little ruthless when you play games.

What Board Game Are You?

The Ultimate Color Test

When you are at peace, you are: Thoughtful and sensitive When you are moved to act, you are: Giving and warm When you are inspired, you are: Spontaneous and adventurous When your life is perfectly balanced, you are: Totally in the moment Your life's purpose is: To change the world

The Ultimate Color Test

What Your Home Says About You

You come across as very intellectual. People take your wisdom seriously. You have amazing hygiene, and it shows. You are sparkling clean! You are a very domestic person. You enjoy decorating, cooking, and making things homey. You are a very nurturing person. You find meaning in taking care of others. You feel settled in your life. You have enough time to focus on little details. You are a somewhat self sufficient person. You can do fine on your own if you have to. Your friends see you as insightful, encouraging, and progressive.

What Does Your Home Say About You?

I'm an Aunt! And other things.

Recap-a-palloza!

Washington DC: I love that city! I never have enough time there, really. I got to see tons of friends and sights and I didn't kill any of my sweet friends on Skyline Drive. This may not sound like an accomplishment but, take it from those who were in the car, it was.

Have I mentioned how I love the flavors of DC? And how I love Crisp & Juicy? If not, consider it mentioned. I miss my restaurants almost as much as I miss my friends!

Halloween: So fun! Amber looked spectacular. I ran into bunches of people I hadn't seen in ages and felt better about being "old" and single. Lara & Nick made fast friends of my Mom with their pre-party political discussions. Perry chimed in from time to time. Fun was had by all!

Arrival back to Missoula: All I have to say about that is "I love my animals!" I was so happy to see both of them. Fur-babies are a very nice compromise.

School: I have 12 weeks (as of Friday) left to do as many credits as I can. If you do the math, I've passed 1 credit for each of the 12 weeks I've been in school so far. Not horrible but not as quickly as I was hoping to progress. But hey, at least it's progress! I'm a 'junior' now and that's better than I ever have been before! And in only 1.5 years.

Birthday: Sedate but good. I took myself out to lunch and had a free dessert. Quiet but the lunch was nice. My brother and sister-in-law brought over flowers and some very sweet gifts. My sister and brother-in-law were their usual amazing selves and I generally felt very loved. Thanks to everyone who ate for me!! That's my new tradition. Every year we're going to have an "eat and blog" celebration. It's the best! I got tons of smiles from it and you all enjoyed yourselves--win, win!

Auntie-dom: It's amazing how much I love my little niece. She's so cute and perfect. And taking after Dooce, I want to just put her whole head in my mouth. It's only been two days. I'm seriously considering jobs outside the Missoula area now and I'm so upset about the idea of leaving her (and the rest of my family). Who knew that I'd love it here so much? Oh. Wait. I did.

That's all for now. More regular posting will resume!

Welcome to the world, beautiful niece!

10 am today at seven pounds, three ounces my little niece C. entered the world. She's 19.5 inches long and perfection in a body. Both Mom and Dad are doing well! I promise to catch up on my blogging soon but all my attention is going to be centered around this wonderful new human!

A Call to Eat.

Tomorrow I turn 31. Want to help me celebrate? Good. I'm so glad!

I need you to eat for me.

No, I'm not kidding.

Find some amazing food that you love. Take a photograph of you eating it or right before you eat it and then blog it! Or email me. Something to help me enjoy the virtual flavors of my friends.

Off you go. Forage. Find food. Return with fullness and honor.

Quirky, here we come.

Tristin (linked somewhere on this silly blog) tagged me to share 6 quirky things about myself with the world. Since I've already discussed my meds I figured, hey! Why not?

1) I am *very* particular about my bed. The sheets cost more than most of my shoes (and you know that's saying something). When I get into bed to sleep there must be NO wrinkles that I can discern through touch. I lay on my stomach, feet off the end of the bed, left ear to the pillow and the covers covering all but my right ear and face. I can NOT sleep without my ear out or my face covered.

2) I have more pens than Bank of America. You think I'm kidding? I have, at this moment, 2 quart-size bags filled with pens that I just discovered yesterday in addition to the mug of pens in each room. Needless to say, Goodwill won't be running out of pens any time soon.

3) I hate writing with pens without caps. It's simply immodest.

4) I refuse to organize my books. I always manage to find one that I haven't read or want to re-read when I'm looking for the one I'm thinking of. It's worked for years and the only a very cute man could change that.

5) I'm freakish about pedicures. I must have well attended feet at all times. Since I'm trying to be the Frugal Frida right now, I have to do them for myself. I hate it. As soon as I can it's back to $100/month for real pedicures.

6) I dislike wearing anything too tightly around my neck. No turtle-necks for this girl! Sometimes round necks are too tight. If I wear a necklace, which is very rare, it will be long enough to put my head through with my hair done easily and will probably be off mid-event. But I love earrings!

Merry Miss Medicated

When I was young my nickname inside my family was Merry Miss Sunshine. Later in life my mother dubbed me 'brilliant' not because of my mental acuity but rather because it was hard to look at me too long without protective eye wear. In all, those two rather acutely describe how I see myself--bright, dazzling, overwhelming energy flowing in every direction kind of willy-nilly without any real purpose or control. Every now and then I'll have a solar flare and something will get done with energy concentrated in one spot.

In order to accomplish things like, say, an education that kind of energy is pretty pointless. Drop me into a party? It's on! Sit me in a classroom? People around me are just annoyed.

Years ago my Mom discovered that some of that inability to focus was due to lack of stimulation in my frontal lobes or, as it's commonly known, ADD. In the late nineties I tried a bunch of different medications in order to harness my potential and only Ritalin worked. I hated that I had to use it. Still do. But the reality is that it works. Also, it eases my mind that most of the population can't drop 60 milligrams of speed daily and feel more in control of themselves with no withdrawals when they stop. Clearly evidence of something physical, yes?

After some careful consideration I decided to end the two year lapse in medication. Mom asked me how it felt when I started again and the only thing I could think to answer was, "It feels like someone took all that energy and concentrated it into a laser aimed out of my chest. Kinda like a panic attack without the heart rate." That feeling generally lasts about two days and then it's more like a concentrated glow from my upper torso. It's so intensely odd to be able to sit down and think about something from beginning to end but I have four months to finish ten classes toward a degree I've been working on for thirteen years. It's worth the chink in my pride.

Why am I sharing? When I left the doctors office today I was very frustrated. I have a tall, skinny doctor who said to me, "Don't be so hard on yourself. I could only concentrate for two or three hours at a time when I was studying." I looked him straight in the eyes and said, "Dr. Smith, I set an egg time for 15 minutes and feel amazed if I don't break task before it rings." He just kind of sat there and then said, "Well, ok. I gave you the prescription." As I drove out of the parking lot I saw a sign that read, "Mental illness is a brain disease, not a character defect."

Not perfect, but close enough.

I hope that people who struggle with controlling their minds or urges realize they are not alone. I've talked about the sense of isolation that can pervade in single life--this is not entirely unlike that. Group them together and you have a heady cocktail of self-doubt. It's vital not to let that get the best of you--to stand up to your insecurities and step over them, beyond them into the life that you choose for yourself.

And that's all I have to say about that.

For now.

Girls are weird.

I'm sitting here tonight thinking about the oddity of emotions experienced by the SingleGirl. I'm hoping that some of you can relate so that I don't feel like a total idiot for writing then but, hey, I'm me. I'll probably avoid that particular emotion.

So, as in all great blogs, there's this guy. I've met him maybe twice. He lives over a few hundred miles away. He's not LDS. He's off limits from the 'Girl Code of Honor' standpoint. He's expressed mild interest and I expressed it right back because (despite all that) he's, well, a guy. To say that he was a casual acquaintance was probably putting too much familiarity into the statement. Tonight I logged onto a social networking site and saw that his relationship status had changed, pulling him (at least for the moment) off the market and thought, "Hey!"

You know that "Hey!" right? The one where you feel a door close somewhere in the long hallway of possibility and you can't help but think, "What if that was the door I wanted?!"

Logically, everything is telling you it's not the door. You weren't even really looking at or toward the door until you heard it close. And then suddenly, it's all about that door for a moment.

I have tons of guy friends--more than my girl friends, actually--and I love every one of them. I do, however, confess that when any of them finds a girlfriend there is a flash of that same, "Hey!" when the door of possibility closes. It truly is a flash and generally followed by a laugh at myself that it even happened but I can't help thinking every single time it happens, "Girls are so weird!"

Ode to Anne

Every now and then Anne (linked somewhere on here, I'm sure) does a post full of her random cell phone pictures. Today I was thumbing through my phone and decided it was time to share!!





This is how Ziggy observes my typing.



I used to buy bones for my dog.






Charlie sent this one with the suggestion that he would be happy to arrange my marriage to the man so clearly intended for me. I swore at him.




This is my friend Paul playing Beer-Can Jenga. :) There are no more words.

Simple, not simplistic

Recently that is the theme of my thoughts surrounding religion. I have volunteered to teach Sunday School tomorrow and it will be the theme of my lesson (found here). In order to illustrate my point that the simplicity of the gospel is often attacked by simplistic thinking, I'm dying to use a quote from George Carlin. However I have this rule: "If you have to ask if it's ok, the answer is 'no'." So, I will not use this quote:

"Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about it, religion has actually convinced people that there's an INVISIBLE MAN...LIVING IN THE SKY...who watches every thing you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten special things that he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish where he will send to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry for ever and ever 'til the end of time...but he loves you."

Treasures of Trash

That's what my Mom calls the boxes of papers and memories in her attic. And we love her for it because despite her words, they're there.

Tonight I was going through some of what I have here with me and I found a print-out from the State Fair in Sacramento. In olden days we each got to spend a week alone with Grandma and Grandpa Harbour. As any of my siblings will tell you, those are some of our most precious memories. At this particular fair I think I was 11 or 12. At one booth you could sign your name and the computer would print an assessment of your personality. It was revolutionary. Grandpa got me one. This is what it says...

"Your Personality

You are active and full of life and never let anything get you down. You have a genuine interest in people. Sometimes you act in an unfriendly manner. You are sympathetic and a good listener. You tend to bottle up your feelings, loosen up. You enjoy challenge but avoid conflict. You remain dignified, even under stress. You are always ready for self-sacrifice. You find it difficult to accept compliments. You have a talent for getting along with people. Your approach to life should be a little more realistic. You're a no-nonsense type, who thrives on intellectual challenges."

It makes me really miss my Grandpa. I remember how he laughed when he read it. I also remember thinking it wasn't very right. It's amazing how dumb we are at 12.

Why so quiet, good Monsieur?

I'm not one to blog on political topics. In general I believe myself to be under-educated on all things financial and political. Recently it's come to my attention that I have got to be educated--it's the only option for survival.

Yes, I live in Montana and some of my best friends here are what you'd call 'survivalists.' They are convinced the country is headed to financial collapse and an unprecedented depression. I happen to have a friend in DC who shares their opinions--as you know if you're connected to him on Facebook and read his notes.

This type of talk overwhelms me to a degree I find it hard to express. I'm single. I have virtually no savings. Currently my only income is governmental. While I'm within a hairs breadth of finishing my education, it's not done. I have no food storage save what would last me about a week.

Thank God for my camping gear!

I can't help, surrounded by all this very logical talk of depression with which I happen to agree almost totally, but wonder how to improve my situation. And then be daunted by the answers I come to. As it turns out, I just need to follow the advice I've already been given and use what resources I do have to bring my house in order.

I think this is a time for faith and action. In order to maintain any type of hope for my future I have to believe that America won't become Zimbabwe and I have to cut what I can from my current budget and use it to prepare. It may not be all wine and roses but it feels so essential to be able to provide for my own little family of one that I can't ignore the call.

I promise the next blog will be more cheery. After all, we'll be bailed out.

*snort*

Quotes that make me consider being Methodist

"So I was, like, asked to talk on music and the church or music in the church. I don't know which but I guess, like, the topics are related. *giggle* So I, like, found this talk by a guy named Lex de Avez...uh..Aze...uh..whatever and if I say anything smart today it's probably from, like, his talk."

Damn Relationships

Tonight I was so close to sleep, so amazingly close. Drifting off, near 2:45, to the wonderful sound of near silence which was then shattered by a woman screaming. I mean really, really screaming. And running while screaming. I was so scared for her I called 911. The officers were on other calls and the screaming had somewhat died down by the time I managed to dial so the operator instructed me to listen for anything further and call back if we needed an officer. I opened my window and listened a bit more.

She was screaming to call out her boyfriend or exboyfriend or some other damn relationship. SCREAMING at the top of her lungs.

When relating the tale to Erin after all hope of rest was lost I added that I wished I had a gun so that I could have made her screams worthwhile. Erin said wisely, " i have often believed that air guns are useful for exactly this purpose."

Amen, sister, amen.

Fear and Loathing in Insomnia

Right now my cat is camped out on the ledge behind my laptop and my dog is laying on my feet. Both are looking at me with pleading eyes, begging for me to sleep. I agree that I should be sleeping but apparently the Universe has other plans. Also, every time I fall asleep right now I have crazy dreams. In normal people language, crazy dreams consist of something very odd happening while dreaming. In Harbour language that means you're running around a Old West town as a prostitute with your best friend, Indiana Jones and one of the Spice Girls. You're on a mission to save all literature. The mission depends on your ability to kiss as many people as you can without being shot by the sniper that is tracking you and aiming puppies with balloon-print collars in your direction.

No, I'm not even kidding.

And that was two nights ago. Last night was just too weird to even attempt to relate. Clearly I need more medication. And probably another seventeen years in therapy.

Many moons ago I promised Erin and Amber that I'd post pictures of my day out in Missoula. Normally they don't ask for pictures but, as we've clearly established here, I'm far from normal. One day a couple of weeks ago I was second-hand shopping. I discovered some curlers and thought to myself, "I'm now going to save energy by setting my hair in these every morning after my shower. How very green and retro of me!! Go me!" The next day I was anxiously waiting for a package that I knew would be delivered by noon and then I had to go *right* to the bank and onto some other errands. When I got out of the shower at 10:30 I thought to myself, "This is great! I have all day. I'm going to set my hair."

Yes, I really am that ADD.

By the time the package arrived and I realized that two of my worlds had collided, I thought, "Well, hell. I'm an hour and a half into this. I'm just going out like this."

Yes, friends. When you're single, jobless and socially backward you resort to curlers IN YOUR HAIR while you're in public. Let me be a warning to you.



And if you're really feeling amazing--you put scarves on to secure the buggers in place. And then you go to Wal-Mart and soon feel quite a bit better about yourself.



Can we just talk for a moment about how some day a prospective boyfriend is going to find this post and then send me an uncomfortable email? Don't worry. I'll just laugh. Exactly like I did all day walking around with those on my head.

He makes a good point.

I haven't had cable in nearly a year and I don't particularly like television anymore. I watch shows online sometimes and I'm sure when new episodes of my favorites (House and Heros) come out, I'll kick myself for not having the ability to watch them RIGHT NOW THIS INSTANT but somehow I'll live. And of the television I'm avoiding, late-night talk shows are something I didn't watch to begin with unless the insomnia got so bad I could even think about moving my eyeballs to read anymore.

That said, of that bunch, I've always like Craig Ferguson the best. Don't know why, really, other than he appeals to my sense of kooky humor. This morning Lara (of Nick & Lara on the sidebar--oh! except I looked and I haven't added them yet but I will after I publish this) posted a link on Facebook that I thought was so great, I'd share.

Thanks, Lara! And thanks to Craig for a good point. Enjoy!

As a devoted fan of Dwight...

I must share.

To my darling friends,

I don't know if you know this about me but sometimes at night I sit here in my little home and just stare off into space, thinking about all of you. I worry over each of you in my mind and send out little prayers for things I think could help. Sometimes if I'm shopping or the like, I think of you and imagine how we'd laugh together over something that was special just to us. It's so fun to have each of you there in my mind.

Sometimes, like today, I distinctly feel this weight about not being able to solve your problems. It's silly, I know. It's illogical, I know. And boy do I know it's not my job to solve your stuff. I also know that you're wildly capable of doing it on your own. That doesn't change that I would, in a second, take the crap that each of you is bearing now and replace it with daisies and sunshine if I could.

I hope you know that, dear ones. Even when it's horrible and I say things that add to the mess--I love you and I'd take it all if I could. And even when you don't feel like anyone knows you're alive, I do.

I just wanted you all to know that.

Love, kisses and wishes for hottie spouses--

Me

3-mile barrier, take that!!!

3.18 miles today, folks! In a mere 4.5 hours. Well, ok. Maybe not that much. I swear if I could just figure out how to breathe and run at the same time, I'd be in a much better position.

I said to Gwen today, "Someday I am going to be one of the skinny chicks running past a fat girl just starting to work out. She will look at me with the envy I now have for the lithe-bodied young un's gliding past. And on that day I will smile and offer encouragement mentally!"

Odes on Wednesday

I had a great weekend in Glacier. Today I thought it was appropriate to go all Neruda and do some odes, open letter style.*

Dear Legs,
Thank you for not giving up! I know it was a close call with all that walking and hauling of my inordinately large body. It's appropriate to say, 'Kudos to you, kids!' because you didn't give up and you're even allowing me to move you again, now that it's Tuesday. Go quads! Calves forever! Knees rule!

Love, Mom



Dear Cars Full of College Guys,
Listen. I know that feminism is kicking the butt of chivalry. I get that you've each probably been given a dirty look for holding a door for the wrong woman. But hell! It's a flat tire in the middle of a national park! You could at least slow down.

Just a suggestion, The Girl Who Had Her Head Stuck Under The Car Trying To Find A Jack Point



To my tow truck driver,
Thank you for providing a glimpse into the backwoods of Montana! Without your decision to bring my car and I along on such an adventure, we never would have discovered that backwoods poodle mill or the very old guy who is clearly hoarding granite counter tops for the second coming. Who knew that hermits had AAA? Not me!

Thanks for the enlightenment, The Girl Clinging To The Door And Praying


Memo to my Primitive Inner Woman:

We! Made! Fire!
With wet wood, even. Good job you sexy, pronounced forehead girl! Go find your club and see about that man we saw on the trail.

Love, Your Barely More Advanced Version



Dear Financial Aid Office,
I didn't think anyone could spoil my mood after the weekend but you managed. Thank you for the reminder about gravity. Don't worry. I hiked 11.6 miles while weighing, like, 498 pounds. You can't keep me down! I'll be just fine without you.

Kiss off, The Girl Who Knows It's Really Her Bad Planning But Is Not About To Admit It


To my lovely Glacier,
I miss you already, sexy! I smiled when I made that turn off Hwy 2 into you in August. Don't worry. I won't stay away long again. You're too dynamic, beautiful, clarifying and, if I may sing to you for a moment, "Yoooouuuu make meee feeeeel likkkee a naaattuurrall wooomannnnnn!"

All my love, energy and s'more! Your Favorite Daughter






*Recently my kitten has become fascinated with the cursor. As I started to write this he hopped up on my desk, sat down between my arms and started trying to 'catch' it. What a weird kid! Just like his momma.

Into the great, wide open.

I've gotten a crazy hair to camp this weekend. Well, not so crazy. I've been planning it for about a month now! <--for me to be focused on anything non-male that long is truly astounding.

I'm going to head to Glacier for a few days and hike my rear off. I'm really looking forward to the chance to shoot a few photos in such a pristine location. And this will be the first time I've ever been camping solo--which I'm anxious but excited about. I must confess to making sure that I had an extra hatchet to keep in the tent with me--and I wasn't thinking about the bears at that point. For the sake of my Grandmother, I'll point out that I'm going to be camping in spots that make seeing bears in camp about as likely as a grizzly popping out of the shoe section in Saks Fifth Avenue. The later part of the week I should have myself ensconced in a more 'she-she' camping spot which may have wi-fi. If not, I bid you all a great Labor Day weekend and say unto you, "Get married already!"

Taking advantage of the fact that she does not have this blog address.

Recently my Dad hurt his back doing some yard work with my Mom--lifting a two-ton boulder or some such thing. Dad is traveling this week and staying with Grandma (his Mom) as a base of operations. My Grams is one of the sweetest, nicest people I know. She's one of my best friends and knows me better than almost anyone. She is also amazing unaware sometimes.

In order to accommodate Dad, Mom called Grams to tell her about his pain-relief regimen and make sure Grams had everything on hand. Finding one deficiency in her stash, my Grams proceeded to call every drugstore in her area and ask for a 'heating vibrator' for Dad to use on his back.

Bad Brie, Good Wedding

This Saturday I had the chance to attend (and help photograph) the wedding of a friend. The setting was amazing--the private home of a long-time friend with fantastic, wispy trees in front of a pond in the shadow of the Bitteroot mountains. Bride and groom were gorgeous and it was so much fun to be around their family. I lived with the grooms younger sister (who remains one of my best, good friends) and I've loved the chaos that comes with them for many years and they didn't disappoint this time!

A tent was set up on the lawn for the reception and the food--yummy! That's where the brie comes in. It's all I had time for between the photos. Well, ok. It's brie. I made time. Apparently too much time because today I haven't been able to function. Happily, I saved $50 and did my own pedicure! Also, I haven't spent a single penny on food today. Always a silver lining folks!

Blech.

I leave you with the happy thought of the first dance. If you're linked to me on Facebook, other photos appear there.

Church as an Obstacle

When I get too frustrated I try to turn it into something positive--usually cleaning. And when I'm frustrated like I am today, my godson could lick most any surface in my house without causing me one iota of worry. Truly. You could eat off the floors under my radiators. Now that is CLEAN.

It is no secret to anyone who knows me that I miss my ward in DC very much. Not the social aspect, oddly, but the lessons, the reverence and the Spirit. When I attend a family ward, as I did today, it is sometimes frustrating beyond my ability to process. Children are running everywhere, their parents unworried. The general din of noise is nearly impenetrable by the speaker at points. And the content--good heavens.

Please don't misunderstand. I've attended to multiple children during meetings and I understand the difficulty of controlling them. I understand that children are a joy and I like the little tykes. Most of the time I even find their antics more amusing than annoying. As a rule, however, I deeply respect parents that instill in their children reverence so that they don't detract from the personal, spiritual moments of others. There was a family when we lived in Southern California who had AMAZING children. Truly. They would sit still without treats or quiet books. They remained on the benches. And two of them were boys under the age of four. I think they did it because their Mother expected it of them and wouldn't accept anything less. And the consequences for misbehavior were ones they didn't want to pay. Even at 14-years-old I appreciated that family and I very much hope to model mine after them. I talk about this only because today I needed to work on tweaking my attitude at church, which I will get to later, and I had a horrible time because, literally, it was difficult to hear the speaker (let alone the Spirit) over the children.

At one point today a speaker said, "As we all know, when you get to the end of your life you'll spend most of your time considering how your children turned out." I wanted to stand and scream, "UNLESS YOU DON'T HAVE CHILDREN!" So, clearly things weren't off to a good start. The second speaker spoke in awe about grasping a concept that I've understood clearly (as have most sentient beings) since Primary. It was here that I decided my attitude needed adjustment.

I understand that eventually I'm going to have to become comfortable with family wards. I'm going to have to swallow the unintentional comments of others because I am not the only one that can take offense to things--and I don't typically. I just can't help but feeling like Church is an obstacle to my testimony right now. I miss reverence. I miss being challenged by lessons and learning from my peers. As I was cleaning, however, an interesting thought solidified in my mind.

When I started on the floors I thought angrily to myself, "I hate being spoon fed the damn basics of the Gospel." Then the little voice in my mind said, "Consider it this way--when you were in Langley, you *were* being spoon fed. All you had to do was lean forward a tiny bit and there was nourishment. Now you've gotta work for it." Then, as the main portion of my mind was reacting, I heard the little self-righteous laugh of that voice as it knew it had a very good point.

Church may well be my obstacle but I'll be damned if I'll let it stand between God and me.

Many, many moons ago

Tristin tagged me to do this. So Tris, here is it!

Joys:
1) Perfect peace in my clean apartment.
2) Hearing the voices of my loved ones.
3) My fur-babies (Duke and Ziggy).
4) My new camping gear!

Fears:
1) Spiders
2) Death of others
3) Celibacy for the rest of my life! ;)

Goals:
1) Attain my elusive degree!
2) Hit the '100 countries' mark.
3) 26.2 miles in less than 6 hours.

Obsessions/Collections:
1) Obsession- Carrots and Cool Whip!! <--just trust me and try it. You'll be happy.
2) Obsession- Stories-I love to hear about other people!
3) Collection- Books and some more books. And a couple of books.

Random surprising facts:
1) Please, don't touch the header felt in a car when I'm in there. I *hate* that sound.
2) I have seen every episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and the musical is the best one.
3) I was once Bugs Bunny.
4) At no point in my apartment are you more than 10 steps from one of my many stereos. It's bordering on insane. I like it.

Bitter Ampersand Worries

I've been wondering if I was going to announce this blog to my friends--if it would even continue. It's been some time since I blogged but I'm ready to talk again.

One of my concerns when considering this blog was the perception of bitterness on my part--I'd like to say right now, I'm not bitter. I hope my married friends are as happy as I am. I just want a venue where I can talk about thing like ampersands. Things that single girls notice.

Tonight I was cruising around some of the blogs of my friends here in Montana (or from Montana) and nearly all of them are married. As I looked over their blogs each of their blog rolls had dual name listings "Barry and Marry", "Bobby and Sue," "Wedded Bliss and Green Envy." You know. Stuff like that. And I must say, I've kind of grown to dislike the ampersand. Maybe it's because it's one of those thing reminders Singletons hear when Marrieds don't even know they're transmitting. Maybe it's just me.

But tonight it's raining and there's a round of saddness running in my friends and it feels like a perfect night to unburden on someone obligated (by their own choice) to listen to my stories, offer solutions for my friends and then hold me tight. I long for that again but it's not my time. Truly, I'm ok with that in the broad scope. Tonight is feeling narrow.

Mr. Listy

Things I love about being single include:

No one moves my stuff. When I come home at night to cook s'mores over my gas burner, I don't have to turn on the lights!

I'm a habitual streaker from shower to closet and I can do that without frightening anyone.

If my laundry remains neatly in the duffel bag on the couch for a couple of days, no one minds.

I'm learning not to be afraid of the dark or my own mind.

Prayers can be as long or as short as I'd like, sometimes prayed in various places in the house without any censure for how God and I have discussions.



Things I hate about being single:

Coming home without someone who is obligated to listen and care about my day.

Cuddling with my extra pillows just isn't the same.

Somehow things really are easier in teams.

I actually miss having a 'head of the household' and I find it difficult to replicate.

Sometimes I wish I could quit reminding myself not to pray for someone to join my life. Wouldn't it be nice to be able to cease halting the natural "Send someone, please"?

And so it begins...

Tonight is one of those nights when you feel distinctly single--Family Dinner night. I'm sure you know what I mean, fellow LDSingletons. Tonight we sat in my brother-in-law and sisters home with my brother and sister-in-law and discussed birth plans which I attempted to drown out with an episode of "Deadliest Catch" which I'd already seen. Twice.

My community could hardly be considered rural. The city here is eighty thousand people and counting. The LDS community here is thriving and is comprised of a student ward and four family wards in addition to some smaller, outlying branches. All in all, not a bad place to be--except that they're all married. I know that can't totally and logically be true but intuitively it feels true. I am a lone woman in the wilderness. And slightly over dramatic.

As I was driving home I thought to myself, it's time to reach out to a larger community. So, I cam home and got on blogger--the Great American Outreach tool. I wanted to remind myself that I'm not alone in my situation, that there are other women in this situation and maybe, by talking about my experiences and struggles, I can connect with them and vice-versa because--let's face it--doing this all alone will never work and married people just don't understand.