I'm, like, all over the internet today!

My friend Erin wrote a blog post about lunch with me last week. If, say, you're easily shocked by her opinions of my opinions I wouldn't go the article.*

Also, I just finished dying my own hair for the first time since high school. And I don't think I did a horrible job! I blogged about it on the blog I share with Amber.

And now, I'm off to do laundry, drop my car at the shop and do all manner of other grown up things!


*Hello, Mike's sister. I would like to, right here, refute that I talk about sex as much as Erin says I do. Totally untrue. I have no idea at all where she'd get a notion like that. I'm shocked and appalled. It's possible I'm considering legal action. Or some other such thing. I need this foot note to establish plausible deniability. Just wanted you to know in case you do to read that before meeting me. And if it were true, well, I've changed. I am an angel, pure as the driven snow. Just for the record.

Existing

It's a good thing.

Some of you may know about my new job, some may not. I've avoided going public with the nature of my work because it's one of those jobs, you know? The kind where everyone is a bit fascinated but no one wants to hear the real answers to their questions. It's turning out, however, that I can't vent without revealing why I'm venting--I'm no good at veiled.

So, here goes. At the moment I am a 9-1-1 operator. I spend my shifts answering all kinds of calls, helping dispatch officers and fire/medical assistance. My particular county is huge and, in places, remote so the job has a high degree of variety. I love it. More than I've loved just about any other job. Totally high stress when I'm there and then I can walk out the door and leave it all behind.

Most of it anyway.

The thing that stays with me is the people and my occasional inability to significantly improve their lives. Most people call for something and I can get help there pronto. That's an excellent feeling. Some people call me for help and there is not a dang thing I can do. Less good. The worst?

When people call, there is something I can do, and they don't allow me to do it.

The. pits.

Suicidal calls are rare, of course, but terrible. Tonight we had our yearly quota. I won't tell you about them specifically, I can't. And I wouldn't, really, because there is no reason for you to have to have that in your mind. But I will tell you that there is nearly nothing in the world that can't be overcome. I mean, really. When you're feeling like it's all too much, that there's no point? You're wrong. There's a point. And you're making a difference. There is no way you'll ever know how deleting yourself from the grand scheme of things will effect and affect other people--there's always someone who will miss you, who will feel the loss and the pain if you're gone.

I hope you'll believe me. And if you don't? If you're at the moment you can't take it any more? Seriously, call 9-1-1. Help is always available.

Dark side of the moon

I think that 0500 blogging is going to be my new norm. Most of the world is quiet and I'm fighting to stay awake. Clearly all of you must suffer because of that.

Fa-nter is officially here in Missoula. We had some snow, it melted but stayed cold and gloomy. I anticipate I won't see the sun again until..oh..wait. I'm going to Utah on Sunday. I suppose I can't whine about the weather when I'll keep going South for as long as I can over the next few weeks.

Speaking of Utah, it turns out the guy I'm dating, let's call him 'Mike', has some parents. Who knew?! And since we're progressing in this process he's proposed* that I meet them. I managed to eek out an 'ok' before I fell to the floor in the midst of a panic attack.

Ok, it's possible I'm overstating.

But really, is there a more uncomfortable phase of wooing than parental meetings? I know it's not always that way nor, truly, do I expect that this time will be bad. It's just such a delicate time and, often, I'm not linguistically delicate. It makes me worry that something I say or somehow I tease Mike will be misconstrued. I suppose, however, that one must trust the judgement of their significant other, especially in this matter. After all, the SO is the product of those parents and I like him!

That meeting, for the curious, will be taking place the week of Thanksgiving. Which is a week I also work my 'long' set of shifts (4 12-hour shifts from 7pm to 7am). I know I'm not going to get much sleep but I'm sure it will be worth it.

And there it is. The occasional relationship update that may eventually lead to a change in the blog name. Tragic, I know.

*ha ha! Gotcha!

Karma, and I don't mean my mother or grandmother.

Besides, their names are spelled 'Carma'.

I have a confession. I'm on the border of the land of 'sappy happy' and I have every intention of continuing on my current route. The only problem is that I've mocked the residents thereof for years, and I do mean YEARS, and I'm not sure I'm enjoying the karmic lesson.

I told that to the guy I'm dating. His reply? "I love you. Deal with it."

I'm totally entranced by his confidence in this matter. I know it's not human to be perfectly confident in all areas, of course, but in this thing he's so sure! I don't know if I've mentioned his profession but he's a programmer. I keep joking with him that this isn't love, I'm simply aligning w/ the parameters of his 'relationship' program and not throwing too many error messages. He rolls his eyes and says, "It's so clear you work in HR."

Contingency Planning

I'm dating someone. There. I said it out loud. And, here's the thing, he's gainfully employed, smart, taller and older than me. He enjoys ridiculous things like "Politically Correct Bedtime Stories" and really bad joke about frogs stapled to chickens. All of those things are great, it's true, and to top it all off he's also Mormon.

Perfect? Nope. Close enough to be making a case for ...you know...whatever? Um, yeah!

Yes, he knows that. Yes, he's aware that I discuss most everything in public.

But he's not the focus of this blog. You just have to know about him to understand my dilemma--what if this actually worked?!

You see, when I'm in relationships with a clear, major flaw I am able to function. I understand how to 'overcome' in relationship and how to work when they end, right? That's not new territory. I have friends, support and the knowledge that the world will always keep moving. So not a scary prospect. Annoying, painful and lots of other things--but not scary.

Now, the alternative?! That's scary. How does that even work? And, when you're talking about two decisive, employed, seasoned, smart people, can it really be so simple and just doing it*? Aren't there some glaring complications other than "who will win the war of the superior couch?"




*I heard it, sicko. I mean the 'm' word or making a decision, something like that. Good grief I have really twisted friends.

3am

...and the world goes to sleep. It's actually shocking to me how this time is consistent. We'll be having an evening full of frivolity and then *wham* 3am and it get eerily quiet.

Because of this I am quite tempted to tell each of you that you must form a schedule of times you'll be on call to entertain me so that I don't fall asleep in my chair. Alas, I love you all too much.

One more shift this week and then I'll be off to visit Utah for a few days. I hope I'll get to see Erin, Gwen, Rae and Rina. It should be an excellent week. I'm grasping for that as I feel myself start to snore.