Quotes that make me consider being Methodist

"So I was, like, asked to talk on music and the church or music in the church. I don't know which but I guess, like, the topics are related. *giggle* So I, like, found this talk by a guy named Lex de Avez...uh..Aze...uh..whatever and if I say anything smart today it's probably from, like, his talk."

Damn Relationships

Tonight I was so close to sleep, so amazingly close. Drifting off, near 2:45, to the wonderful sound of near silence which was then shattered by a woman screaming. I mean really, really screaming. And running while screaming. I was so scared for her I called 911. The officers were on other calls and the screaming had somewhat died down by the time I managed to dial so the operator instructed me to listen for anything further and call back if we needed an officer. I opened my window and listened a bit more.

She was screaming to call out her boyfriend or exboyfriend or some other damn relationship. SCREAMING at the top of her lungs.

When relating the tale to Erin after all hope of rest was lost I added that I wished I had a gun so that I could have made her screams worthwhile. Erin said wisely, " i have often believed that air guns are useful for exactly this purpose."

Amen, sister, amen.

Fear and Loathing in Insomnia

Right now my cat is camped out on the ledge behind my laptop and my dog is laying on my feet. Both are looking at me with pleading eyes, begging for me to sleep. I agree that I should be sleeping but apparently the Universe has other plans. Also, every time I fall asleep right now I have crazy dreams. In normal people language, crazy dreams consist of something very odd happening while dreaming. In Harbour language that means you're running around a Old West town as a prostitute with your best friend, Indiana Jones and one of the Spice Girls. You're on a mission to save all literature. The mission depends on your ability to kiss as many people as you can without being shot by the sniper that is tracking you and aiming puppies with balloon-print collars in your direction.

No, I'm not even kidding.

And that was two nights ago. Last night was just too weird to even attempt to relate. Clearly I need more medication. And probably another seventeen years in therapy.

Many moons ago I promised Erin and Amber that I'd post pictures of my day out in Missoula. Normally they don't ask for pictures but, as we've clearly established here, I'm far from normal. One day a couple of weeks ago I was second-hand shopping. I discovered some curlers and thought to myself, "I'm now going to save energy by setting my hair in these every morning after my shower. How very green and retro of me!! Go me!" The next day I was anxiously waiting for a package that I knew would be delivered by noon and then I had to go *right* to the bank and onto some other errands. When I got out of the shower at 10:30 I thought to myself, "This is great! I have all day. I'm going to set my hair."

Yes, I really am that ADD.

By the time the package arrived and I realized that two of my worlds had collided, I thought, "Well, hell. I'm an hour and a half into this. I'm just going out like this."

Yes, friends. When you're single, jobless and socially backward you resort to curlers IN YOUR HAIR while you're in public. Let me be a warning to you.



And if you're really feeling amazing--you put scarves on to secure the buggers in place. And then you go to Wal-Mart and soon feel quite a bit better about yourself.



Can we just talk for a moment about how some day a prospective boyfriend is going to find this post and then send me an uncomfortable email? Don't worry. I'll just laugh. Exactly like I did all day walking around with those on my head.

He makes a good point.

I haven't had cable in nearly a year and I don't particularly like television anymore. I watch shows online sometimes and I'm sure when new episodes of my favorites (House and Heros) come out, I'll kick myself for not having the ability to watch them RIGHT NOW THIS INSTANT but somehow I'll live. And of the television I'm avoiding, late-night talk shows are something I didn't watch to begin with unless the insomnia got so bad I could even think about moving my eyeballs to read anymore.

That said, of that bunch, I've always like Craig Ferguson the best. Don't know why, really, other than he appeals to my sense of kooky humor. This morning Lara (of Nick & Lara on the sidebar--oh! except I looked and I haven't added them yet but I will after I publish this) posted a link on Facebook that I thought was so great, I'd share.

Thanks, Lara! And thanks to Craig for a good point. Enjoy!

As a devoted fan of Dwight...

I must share.

To my darling friends,

I don't know if you know this about me but sometimes at night I sit here in my little home and just stare off into space, thinking about all of you. I worry over each of you in my mind and send out little prayers for things I think could help. Sometimes if I'm shopping or the like, I think of you and imagine how we'd laugh together over something that was special just to us. It's so fun to have each of you there in my mind.

Sometimes, like today, I distinctly feel this weight about not being able to solve your problems. It's silly, I know. It's illogical, I know. And boy do I know it's not my job to solve your stuff. I also know that you're wildly capable of doing it on your own. That doesn't change that I would, in a second, take the crap that each of you is bearing now and replace it with daisies and sunshine if I could.

I hope you know that, dear ones. Even when it's horrible and I say things that add to the mess--I love you and I'd take it all if I could. And even when you don't feel like anyone knows you're alive, I do.

I just wanted you all to know that.

Love, kisses and wishes for hottie spouses--

Me

3-mile barrier, take that!!!

3.18 miles today, folks! In a mere 4.5 hours. Well, ok. Maybe not that much. I swear if I could just figure out how to breathe and run at the same time, I'd be in a much better position.

I said to Gwen today, "Someday I am going to be one of the skinny chicks running past a fat girl just starting to work out. She will look at me with the envy I now have for the lithe-bodied young un's gliding past. And on that day I will smile and offer encouragement mentally!"

Odes on Wednesday

I had a great weekend in Glacier. Today I thought it was appropriate to go all Neruda and do some odes, open letter style.*

Dear Legs,
Thank you for not giving up! I know it was a close call with all that walking and hauling of my inordinately large body. It's appropriate to say, 'Kudos to you, kids!' because you didn't give up and you're even allowing me to move you again, now that it's Tuesday. Go quads! Calves forever! Knees rule!

Love, Mom



Dear Cars Full of College Guys,
Listen. I know that feminism is kicking the butt of chivalry. I get that you've each probably been given a dirty look for holding a door for the wrong woman. But hell! It's a flat tire in the middle of a national park! You could at least slow down.

Just a suggestion, The Girl Who Had Her Head Stuck Under The Car Trying To Find A Jack Point



To my tow truck driver,
Thank you for providing a glimpse into the backwoods of Montana! Without your decision to bring my car and I along on such an adventure, we never would have discovered that backwoods poodle mill or the very old guy who is clearly hoarding granite counter tops for the second coming. Who knew that hermits had AAA? Not me!

Thanks for the enlightenment, The Girl Clinging To The Door And Praying


Memo to my Primitive Inner Woman:

We! Made! Fire!
With wet wood, even. Good job you sexy, pronounced forehead girl! Go find your club and see about that man we saw on the trail.

Love, Your Barely More Advanced Version



Dear Financial Aid Office,
I didn't think anyone could spoil my mood after the weekend but you managed. Thank you for the reminder about gravity. Don't worry. I hiked 11.6 miles while weighing, like, 498 pounds. You can't keep me down! I'll be just fine without you.

Kiss off, The Girl Who Knows It's Really Her Bad Planning But Is Not About To Admit It


To my lovely Glacier,
I miss you already, sexy! I smiled when I made that turn off Hwy 2 into you in August. Don't worry. I won't stay away long again. You're too dynamic, beautiful, clarifying and, if I may sing to you for a moment, "Yoooouuuu make meee feeeeel likkkee a naaattuurrall wooomannnnnn!"

All my love, energy and s'more! Your Favorite Daughter






*Recently my kitten has become fascinated with the cursor. As I started to write this he hopped up on my desk, sat down between my arms and started trying to 'catch' it. What a weird kid! Just like his momma.