Single, Mormon, Thirty and counting

It's official, I'm moving

2010-03-30T13:35:00.001-07:00

I've (finally!) decided how to blog after marriage. So, if you'd like to, please join me over at Life After Single.

I look forward to entertaining you there!

University Town

2009-12-22T20:13:00.000-08:00

Is there anything in the world more entertaining that sitting in a diner listening to freshman Philosophy students debate if we really exist?

I don't think so.

Is this where the panic sets in?

2009-12-21T03:06:00.005-08:00

Have I mentioned that I love my apartment? Well, I do. I moved in on Valentine's Day of 2008. Finding it was preceded by about 14 moves around Missoula trying to find the proper fit. When I walked into this one I loved it instantly and waited out about seven other college girls to schmooze the current resident into agreeing to give me the nod with the landlord. She did and it was love.

This Valentine's Day I'll be in the mountains of Arizona married for one day. And someone else will be living here. It's taken a long time for me to accept that but tonight I was a big girl and finally gave my landlord some notice. It feels really final to be giving this up but, at the same time, really good that I'll be able to pass the pad to someone I choose.

That's how the tradition works with my landlord. She lives on the other side of the country so each time the apartment passes hands the former tenant chooses the new one. When I moved in here Katie said to me, "You know, the last four women have each lived here about two years and moved out to be with their partners. We're dubbing this place 'The Last Bachelorette Pad'. You've been warned!" I scoffed openly and thanked her for the key.

She just smiled knowingly.

I have to say, it's not a bad feeling to pass that kind of luck on to another girl.

Giving thanks in my virtual chruch.

2009-12-19T20:08:00.000-08:00

One of the most difficult things about working overnight shifts is that no matter how valiant I am in my efforts to remain awake or wake up for church on the Sabbath, it's nearly impossible for me. I would never make it as a medical resident.

It's so hard to write here about every change that has transpired in the last few weeks. I think we're going to go with a list:

*I'm engaged to the greatest guy I've had the pleasure of dating.

*We're getting married on February 13th, 2010.

*I'm moving to Utah.

*We bought a house.

*I'm quitting this job and going to hope for the best in the Utah market.

I can't quite express the fantastic dichotomy between the peace I feel about my decisions and the overwhelming anxiety that comes from such significant changes in such great quantity.

I can't believe my luck, to be honest. It's just astounding that so much that I have consistently desired has, without any warning, fallen into order. Astounding.

While it may not be a conventional expression of my appreciation, this song is the only one I can find that comes close to fitting my mood. Especially the baffled king.

If you wouldn't mind..

2009-11-17T10:22:00.000-08:00

Today, in Washington DC, I have two friends I love dearly who are struggling. Both are quite protective of their privacy so I won't go into detail. They're on the verge of ultimate happiness and have encountered a speed bump the size of Ireland. I'm asking that each of you who read this send up a special prayer or thought for them. Of all the things I believe in, I believe in answers to prayers the most. And I know this will help.

If there was a way to blush in a headline, insert it here.

2009-11-11T02:14:00.003-08:00

Mike's Mom reads the blog.

Oh yes. Yes, she does. Good heavens, the things I've said here! Happily, a quick (and by quick I mean a very through review of every word) skim of my former posts makes me glad I started a new blog! Far fewer manifestos on, say, make-out. Which, of course, I have never, ever done.

Ever.

But I shall not blog about that (Hi, Marcine!).

I'm going to gush a bit. And you're going to have to deal with it. Tonight I was talking to Mike, as usual (we talk, like, every moment we can), and we were discussing money. Yes, money. We talk about stuff like that. And how we manage it. And I didn't freak out!

To give you some background here, I'm not great with money left to my own devices. I'm not like heroin-addict bad but I'm not good. I am, however, worlds better and getting better (which I am so proud of) every year. But when it comes to talking about it, I have an instant reaction of extreme anxiety. Probably because every time I have to vocalize about it it's been to ask for help or receive some scolding. It's been years since that's actually happened (the scolding, that is, the help part played into my last, jobless year very much) but it's still a topic I can't even broach with my Mom. And that's saying something.

Something about Mike, however, leads me to believe that whatever I throw at him he'll just react rationally, calmly and it will all be fine.* It's truly astounding! When I discuss funds with him I still go to a '2' on the anxiety scale but it's about eight points less that usual. And that's just...astounding. He knows about my financial behaviors of the past, we share our present and we plan for what the future may hold. It's so nice! And it's a financial discussion!

If you had asked me four months ago if I'd be here today, blogging this, I would have laughed you out of my apartment. There is something so basic about the calm Mike gives me, so stable about our connection, that I can't imagine that I ever existed before it. It's both scary and the greatest feeling I've ever felt. And, I tell you what, it's something I'd get a little gushy (even on my blog or--astoundingly--in real life) about so that everyone (Hi Marcine!) has a chance to know how I feel.

Icky? Yes. But so true.

*That is not to say he's always a Zen master. That man can be ...um...passionate about things like, say, idiot drivers or just stupidity in general. But, let's face it, I couldn't live with bland. I'd go nutso.

Back from fishing.

2009-11-09T06:03:00.000-08:00

I have so many excuses about why I don't blog regularly. Mostly they're crap. But they feel so valid! For instance, that every weekend since I met TheBoyfriend has been spent either on the road or with a guest. Then the days we're not together, I'm working.*

And the other usual clean/shop/bills junk. But that's all a non-issue. It's mostly the I-don't-want-to-move-or-stop-this-conversation moments that are killing me.

I swear, if I didn't love that man so much it would be way more efficient to just break up with him. Alas, not going to happen. In fact, quite the opposite. We've decided that, come the end of January, I'm going to relocate to Utah in order to further our relationship. 8 hour drives after 12 hour graveyard shifts is fun, I won't lie. But it may be nicer to have a bit more 'normal' in our relationship.

But then, who am I kidding? :)

I can't help, realizing that I will only be in my dear apartment a few more ...weeks, really, wanting to be here as much as I can. I love Montana, this apartment and my life here. It's such a beautiful place--ethereal and physical--that I almost can't fathom living elsewhere. In fact, I planned my life here I never would. But this new adventure is too compelling. I must follow my heart and right now that's going to mean Utah.

So! There it is. The blog of excuses and pleasant exhaustion. Now, after my first day off at home in eons, I'm going to fall into my clean bed in my clean house and just rest for the upcoming upheaval.

*Not that he's not, he is. He just has a normal schedule compared to my 3-4-4-3 of 12 hours--madness! But I do love that schedule.

I'm, like, all over the internet today!

2009-10-19T14:08:00.000-07:00

My friend Erin wrote a blog post about lunch with me last week. If, say, you're easily shocked by her opinions of my opinions I wouldn't go the article.*

Also, I just finished dying my own hair for the first time since high school. And I don't think I did a horrible job! I blogged about it on the blog I share with Amber.

And now, I'm off to do laundry, drop my car at the shop and do all manner of other grown up things!

*Hello, Mike's sister. I would like to, right here, refute that I talk about sex as much as Erin says I do. Totally untrue. I have no idea at all where she'd get a notion like that. I'm shocked and appalled. It's possible I'm considering legal action. Or some other such thing. I need this foot note to establish plausible deniability. Just wanted you to know in case you do to read that before meeting me. And if it were true, well, I've changed. I am an angel, pure as the driven snow. Just for the record.

Existing

2009-10-18T03:07:00.000-07:00

It's a good thing.

Some of you may know about my new job, some may not. I've avoided going public with the nature of my work because it's one of those jobs, you know? The kind where everyone is a bit fascinated but no one wants to hear the real answers to their questions. It's turning out, however, that I can't vent without revealing why I'm venting--I'm no good at veiled.

So, here goes. At the moment I am a 9-1-1 operator. I spend my shifts answering all kinds of calls, helping dispatch officers and fire/medical assistance. My particular county is huge and, in places, remote so the job has a high degree of variety. I love it. More than I've loved just about any other job. Totally high stress when I'm there and then I can walk out the door and leave it all behind.

Most of it anyway.

The thing that stays with me is the people and my occasional inability to significantly improve their lives. Most people call for something and I can get help there pronto. That's an excellent feeling. Some people call me for help and there is not a dang thing I can do. Less good. The worst?

When people call, there is something I can do, and they don't allow me to do it.

The. pits.

Suicidal calls are rare, of course, but terrible. Tonight we had our yearly quota. I won't tell you about them specifically, I can't. And I wouldn't, really, because there is no reason for you to have to have that in your mind. But I will tell you that there is nearly nothing in the world that can't be overcome. I mean, really. When you're feeling like it's all too much, that there's no point? You're wrong. There's a point. And you're making a difference. There is no way you'll ever know how deleting yourself from the grand scheme of things will effect and affect other people--there's always someone who will miss you, who will feel the loss and the pain if you're gone.

I hope you'll believe me. And if you don't? If you're at the moment you can't take it any more? Seriously, call 9-1-1. Help is always available.

Dark side of the moon

2009-10-16T03:58:00.000-07:00

I think that 0500 blogging is going to be my new norm. Most of the world is quiet and I'm fighting to stay awake. Clearly all of you must suffer because of that.

Fa-nter is officially here in Missoula. We had some snow, it melted but stayed cold and gloomy. I anticipate I won't see the sun again until..oh..wait. I'm going to Utah on Sunday. I suppose I can't whine about the weather when I'll keep going South for as long as I can over the next few weeks.

Speaking of Utah, it turns out the guy I'm dating, let's call him 'Mike', has some parents. Who knew?! And since we're progressing in this process he's proposed* that I meet them. I managed to eek out an 'ok' before I fell to the floor in the midst of a panic attack.

Ok, it's possible I'm overstating.

But really, is there a more uncomfortable phase of wooing than parental meetings? I know it's not always that way nor, truly, do I expect that this time will be bad. It's just such a delicate time and, often, I'm not linguistically delicate. It makes me worry that something I say or somehow I tease Mike will be misconstrued. I suppose, however, that one must trust the judgement of their significant other, especially in this matter. After all, the SO is the product of those parents and I like him!

That meeting, for the curious, will be taking place the week of Thanksgiving. Which is a week I also work my 'long' set of shifts (4 12-hour shifts from 7pm to 7am). I know I'm not going to get much sleep but I'm sure it will be worth it.

And there it is. The occasional relationship update that may eventually lead to a change in the blog name. Tragic, I know.

*ha ha! Gotcha!

Karma, and I don't mean my mother or grandmother.

2009-10-13T08:08:00.000-07:00

Besides, their names are spelled 'Carma'.

I have a confession. I'm on the border of the land of 'sappy happy' and I have every intention of continuing on my current route. The only problem is that I've mocked the residents thereof for years, and I do mean YEARS, and I'm not sure I'm enjoying the karmic lesson.

I told that to the guy I'm dating. His reply? "I love you. Deal with it."

I'm totally entranced by his confidence in this matter. I know it's not human to be perfectly confident in all areas, of course, but in this thing he's so sure! I don't know if I've mentioned his profession but he's a programmer. I keep joking with him that this isn't love, I'm simply aligning w/ the parameters of his 'relationship' program and not throwing too many error messages. He rolls his eyes and says, "It's so clear you work in HR."

Contingency Planning

2009-10-07T13:45:00.000-07:00

I'm dating someone. There. I said it out loud. And, here's the thing, he's gainfully employed, smart, taller and older than me. He enjoys ridiculous things like "Politically Correct Bedtime Stories" and really bad joke about frogs stapled to chickens. All of those things are great, it's true, and to top it all off he's also Mormon.

Perfect? Nope. Close enough to be making a case for ...you know...whatever? Um, yeah!

Yes, he knows that. Yes, he's aware that I discuss most everything in public.

But he's not the focus of this blog. You just have to know about him to understand my dilemma--what if this actually worked?!

You see, when I'm in relationships with a clear, major flaw I am able to function. I understand how to 'overcome' in relationship and how to work when they end, right? That's not new territory. I have friends, support and the knowledge that the world will always keep moving. So not a scary prospect. Annoying, painful and lots of other things--but not scary.

Now, the alternative?! That's scary. How does that even work? And, when you're talking about two decisive, employed, seasoned, smart people, can it really be so simple and just doing it*? Aren't there some glaring complications other than "who will win the war of the superior couch?"

*I heard it, sicko. I mean the 'm' word or making a decision, something like that. Good grief I have really twisted friends.

3am

2009-10-03T02:33:00.001-07:00

...and the world goes to sleep. It's actually shocking to me how this time is consistent. We'll be having an evening full of frivolity and then *wham* 3am and it get eerily quiet.

Because of this I am quite tempted to tell each of you that you must form a schedule of times you'll be on call to entertain me so that I don't fall asleep in my chair. Alas, I love you all too much.

One more shift this week and then I'll be off to visit Utah for a few days. I hope I'll get to see Erin, Gwen, Rae and Rina. It should be an excellent week. I'm grasping for that as I feel myself start to snore.

Say it isn't so!

2009-09-30T08:48:00.000-07:00

Today I got a comment from my friend Alisa who holds the record for "Duration of Friendship" and she was upset with me about my lack of blogging. I know! I was astounded too. But then I though, well, it's probably time to introduce some of the new things in my life, so, here we go:

1) I got me a job. It's true. I work, broadly defined, as a receptionist for Missoula County. I'm enjoying it. It's very odd to be back at work after a year of sitting on my tuckus and studying but it's also nice to have some outside structure. Let's hear it for gainful employment!

2) Tristin, mother of the greatest godson alive, is going to add to my godbrood! I could not be happier for her! Let's hear it for more kids!

3) I got a netbook. Finally. And a flip video camera. Eventually I'll add a small point-and-shoot so that I'll be able to bring you EVEN MORE pictures of Charlotte and the eventual godbaby. I know, dance in joy! Here's a picture of 11 inches of fun...

4) I had a...wait for it...date! Like, in person! And he drove to me! And then paid for dinner! And asked me cute questions and smiled at my dumb joke, occasionally even laughing. And the doors, well, they were opened. I nearly pulled a 'Carrie with Alexander at the Russian Ballet'* After all that, I still got these a couple of days later...

Yes, I acknowledge that blogging about a date after a single date is risky, kind of stupid and opening myself up for all kinds of ridicule. Bring it on. I'll just respond to you from my tiny keyboard of pure joy and then stop to smell my roses.

*I know, obscure Sex and the City reference. For the unwashed masses, Carrie is overwhelmed by the romance of her boyfriend when he asks to stop and dance by the fountains on their way to the ballet. She pretends to faint and then says, "You've got to dial it back. I'm a single New Yorker. I can't take all this romance." or something very like that. Then they go to McDonalds. I heart that scene.

It ain't heavy, it's just insomnia.

2009-07-14T03:20:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm all 'Hello, I'm Atlas. Just ignore this huge, terrible, pressing, more than you are able to bear, astounding burden. Really, it's nothing.' You know the kind, right? The people who are constantly sharing and over-sharing problems and their depressing inner thoughts?

Those people are annoying.

I can say that because I'm turning into one. It gives me street cred.

Truly, I'm not depressed. I have some pretty bright things on the horizon. It's simply difficult to remember that when you haven't slept in a couple of days. Especially if you haven't slept in a couple of days and you come across a blog about a mother who has 'lost' her baby. And then I just cry and cry. But sometimes that helps me sleep.

I think the thing about your first major brush with unexpected grief is that the scarring is so much deeper and profound than you expected. I find myself sometimes running my fingers over the bumps of my grief wondering how it healed and wondering why it still hurts.

I feel odd equating my first major grief to Alycia when both my Grandfathers and my Great-Grandfather Burns, who I loved dearly, passed on before her. But in those instances I was not nearly so involved in the process and it was natural, expected that they would pass on well before I did. As a 'child' you're shielded (rightly so, I think) from being so blatantly present. There was none of that with Aly. And it's not like I hurt every day. I embrace my memories of her life, our time together and such. I just find myself seeing grief sometimes in a totally new light, in a way that makes my bones ache in empathy. All I can do then I finger my scar, cry in solidarity and selfish relief and know that sometime I'll sleep again and then I'll be able to joke about balls.

You know they really know you when...

2009-06-21T16:14:00.000-07:00

My conversation with my Bishop as related to RaeRae:

"Bishop, sometimes I don't ask for blessings because I know I could get answers to my prayers. So when I ask I feel like I'm saying to God, 'Can we just speed this process along, please?!"

Rae replied, "Stephanie, I'm pretty sure there is going to be a special place in heaven for your Bishops. Like, I'll be trying to walk somewhere and an angel will say to me, 'I'm sorry. This section is reserved for Bishops of Stephanie Harbour."

Finally, something to say.

2009-06-04T13:10:00.001-07:00

There are many things going on in my mind right now that are muddled, personal and inexpressible. It's the reason I've been so quiet--when I'm like this the worst thing I can do is speak too soon. Today as I was driving, however, one emotion and thought pattern became woven into words I thought I'd share.

The central focus of this blog is my life as a single, Mormon girl. Often I find that to be a lonely endeavor but more often I find it to be a path that allows serious reflection on my self and perspectives. Last week I started attending a 'Marriage and Family' class required by my Stake for all members. I found it to be wildly frustrating, alienating and it caused some bald patches from ripping my hair out. That state of mind oddly often leads me to a calm center where I ask myself, "Why do you feel that way?" And I discovered that it was because I want people to understand that singledom has, in so many ways, very close parallels to family experiences and I allowed myself to be frustrated rather than express that, sometimes, I think of myself as, say, a parent.

Odd? I don't think so. In my circle of friends we have one we jokingly call The Baby--who, as it turns out, turns 30 today. It's far less literal than that, however, because the roles rotate.

Often when I'm feeling as though I need advice I turn, first, to my BioMom and then, if nothing there is clicking, I go to the other women I respect and want to model my life after. And they usually have the answer or can lead me to it.

Beyond that, there are times that I feel things I can only equate to parental emotions. For instance, Rae's birthday. I love her so much that today I was torn up by not being able to give her a memorable, perfect day filled with everything she wanted.

This happens also when I see my friends making decisions that will harm them or impact their lives badly. I know that I can't put myself in the path, I can't do anything to stop or arrest their decisions. I can only advise from the sidelines, shouting "This way!" or "No! Not that way! Can't you see!" and then feel dread as they step wrongly or waves of blissful relief when the right decision is made.

It may seem odd to parents who read this blog. I acknowledge that I do not have a perfect understanding of raising a person from child to adulthood, knowing all their quirks. With my chosen family, however, I understand how it feels when I am in the darkest, blackest place and they know just where to shine the light. I know that the bond I share with them is one that my family can't perfectly equate. And I also know that as we mature, we are going to become closer and closer to the only family each of us have. We're at the age where parents are beginning to have fragile health and we've even lost our first one.

In those moments of loss and confusion we have always been there for each other and will continue to be. We've seen each other through things that we don't talk to others about--that only we know and only we ever will. The bonds that I'm forging with my friends, I suppose, have the benefit of mirroring whatever I'd like them to and then being stronger than I expected. After all, I'm building them to suit me. And they do. I just hope that the bonds are always strong enough to hold as each of us venture far from each other, allowing each of us to come back to those that are holding the line, shouting directions and loving each other so deeply there is no comparison other than someone born from my own body.

My last three days...

2009-04-29T20:35:00.001-07:00

I'm pretty sure there's an evil succubus living under my brothers driveway.

2009-04-26T18:14:00.000-07:00

I know this because my car, and no I'm not kidding, dies every time I drive it in there lately. Luckily, my brother can usually make it go again.

I just thought I'd warn all of you.

Is it possible to have slept less?

2009-04-25T10:19:00.000-07:00

I swear, I haven't had more than five hours of sleep since I left home. And those five hours have usually been from dawn until, like, noon. I don't know what it is about being on the East Coast temporarily that so wholly screws up my circadian rhythms but ...well, just wow.

I'm now in Denver on my way home from three weeks with my parents. I'll be home for three days and then drive back to Salt Lake City to meet Amber and be together for an important anniversary for about five days. Then I'm going to go home, dig a big hole and not emerge until the end of August holding a degree and a certification.

Well, ok. That's not totally true. I'm going to camp. And I'm going to go to New Orleans for a conference (and a Sheryl Crow concert!!) and Amber's birthday (which is July 9) and then, really, I'm totally digging in. I'm not even kidding.

I'm going to get this homebody-hermit thing right if it kills me!

Not just yet.

2009-04-16T21:37:00.000-07:00

I am scheduled to fly back to Utah on Saturday and, from there, drive home to Montana. I just don't think I'll make it. Usually when I'm away from home (read: my dog) this long I'm dying to get back and get things back to my routine. I've become such a homebody and it's almost difficult for me to be away from my house too long. That, my friends, is unnatural. On my trip to DC in January I was so ready to be 'done' by the time I flew out that I nearly cried in relief. When I heard from Mom that she needed someone with her for this surgery I didn't jump at the chance because I thought it would be similar.

It's not. There's not an overwhelming reason for me to stay in this area. I have a huge exam in a month that must be more focused on. I have school work that needs to be done. I have bulbs I need to plant and a yard that needs some serious attention. Instead, I'm going to stay here another week.

The sun is out. The sky is blue. At home they had snow in the last 48 hours.

Call me crazy but I'll opt for art in spring instead of gardening in winter.

As a bee.

2009-04-12T20:53:00.000-07:00

There are many things I love about Washington DC, the arts and monuments chief among them. I find the people here to be interesting, intelligent and challenging. I adore the fact that spring has sprung here when it was not even close to doing so back home. But I do not miss the way these people drive.

Now, I'm not a shrinking violet behind the wheel. Ask Alisa! I basically forced her into a nonexistent parking spot near her favorite bakery using only my will. Or any of my friends who have spent years adjusting to the g-forces caused by the marriage of my foot to my accelerator. Driving in DC, however, seems to be more than haste, more than impatience. Everything here is based on being busy and important. So when a light turns green and you, say, take time to send the signal along your neurons to your foot to respond then the driver behind you is already laying on the horn declaring, "I'M BUSY AND IMPORTANT! MOVE IT!"

This behavior is, frankly, hilarious. It's wildly amusing for me as an outsider to return here and see how fast people drive, how they cut off even two cars just to get to their destination because 'busy' and 'important' are everything. A guy this morning kept speeding past me in his Mercedes. He was doing about 55 mph on surface streets and in residential zones. And he was sitting right in front of me at all four of the red lights we hit on the way to our destination. He hasn't learned that the Universe will not implode if you just pause for a second and consider that you're not Atlas. I felt like sharing that gem with him but I just smiled. And then I silently said a prayer of thanks for Montana and chased it with a prayer that the pace there always remains just about the same.

Ode to my brother

2009-04-08T15:59:00.001-07:00

I'm pretty sure that if he was left alone w/ the baby too long Beth would come home to this.

Hello, Friends!

2009-04-05T06:44:00.001-07:00

Thursday of this week I started a journey that won't be over for a total of very nearly three weeks. Generally I don't mind travel but when I'm on the road for too many hours along my brain inevitably turns to friends and then to people I've lost touch with. Am I the only one that catalogs those? I kind of run over the people in my life in the last, say, 10 years and wonder where the friendships fell off and I wonder how to rekindle them. Often there's not much I can do about the situation from distance or lack of contact information. Well, before Facebook anyway. But even with social networking sites the attempt to reconnect rings hollow and typical. I suppose that with a finite number of relationships my brain and clock are capable of handling, this is a good thing. I just can't help but missing those who have gone.

On a happier note, I've been staying with Tristin, Ben & Mason in Boise for the last three nights and, I must say, it's not a bad town! It's surely one of the areas I'm thinking about when my degree is finished and people want to hire me again.

I think I mentioned that I had a stray/foster dog traveling with me for the beginning of this trip? If not, run over to stephandboo.blogspot.bom to check out that story. Maybe that post will be more interesting and less 'I ran around too long with Mason and then was too hyper to sleep'.

Miles to go

2009-03-31T22:08:00.000-07:00

On Thursday I head to Boise to hang out with Tristin and attend a conference. From there I'm driving to Salt Lake for a day and then dashing (via plane) to DC for a couple of weeks. The trip is somewhat unexpected but not totally unwelcome. I have only one major complication and his name is Chum. He's a German Shepherd-X who came to me as a rescue. And, not surprisingly, I love him. He's been bounced around lots in his life and I need to find him a forever home. Before I leave. On Thursday.

People who need a dog, please call me!

Also, on my way home this weekend my car turned 150,000 miles! For those of you who don't know the story of my car, my Great-Grandfather bought it new in 1993. From there it was given to my Grandmother who passed it on to my Parents who sold it to me. So in 15 year, four generations of my family have owned that car. It's full of memories of all types and I love to think about my family when I drive.

Anyway, I could sit here and blog or I could go finish laundry. And find the kennel (Duke is going with me). And pack. Or I could just sit here and cry because I have way too much to do.

Fore!

2009-03-25T21:09:00.000-07:00

Anne is a photographer I enjoy. Today she posted a photo with a link to a blog I now enjoy called Take Out Photo. There's some type of contest (though I have no idea about specifics) this month involving foreground and photos. When I think of foreground I often think of a photo I took while snuggling Mason before Tristin snatched my godson away from me with the whole "I'm his Mother. He has to relocate with me." logic. I see holes there but I gave in.

Hope you enjoy the photo!

"We could attack the Mayor with hummus."

2009-03-23T22:12:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I do things that make no sense at all. For instance, today while I was studying I decided to stay in bed all day and watch re-runs of Buffy the Vampire Slayer while trying to learn more about Davis-Bacon wages.

Good lord, someone find me a life. Even a discount one!

Today

2009-03-21T06:14:00.000-07:00

10am: Create art with children, transport children to people on the other end of the spectrum, play along to their singing and gesticulations, transport to parents

1pm: Shop for ice cream and toppings and such

3pm: Linner with friends

5pm: Set up Single Adults Activity

5:30pm: Socialize with sugar and toppings and such

7pm: Watch Stake production of Jesus' life. Attempt not to mock more loudly than the two seat barrier.

9pm: Do away with any vestiges of spiritual growth at a house party

12am: Crawl into bed thinking "Why do I even socialize? This is too much!" glowing from the day.

There are lots of jokes about sheep in Montana.

2009-03-20T16:45:00.000-07:00

But we're nowhere near this...

Trips. But without acid.

2009-03-19T21:55:00.000-07:00

I'm dying to get out of Dodge this month. I have a trip planned for April--Boise, under the guise of something educational but really to see Tristin and my Godson--but I haven't left the state in March. And it's time.

I was talking to myself over the last couple of days and I've decided that I need to see Alaska. I keep wanting to live there for no sane reason and I think it's time to debunk my desire. I'm planning on doing this by driving from Missoula to Anchorage (because Prudhoe Bay is just too damn far and I'll hit the Arctic Circle in Norway later in life) and back.

Now all I need is someone to split gas costs with.

Takers? Come now, you know you wanna!

In defense of my couch...

2009-03-14T14:16:00.000-07:00

Ok. That's unrelated. But it was a funny conversational snippet. Kind of like, "Someone stab my frog!"

Did you know that when you're single, sometimes you can take the *entire* day to clean your house? Really. That's what I'm doing today. I'm listening to The Office and Buffy the Vampire Slayer while hanging out my windows to get the perfect spring sheen.

Later, I may get really, really crazy and scrub down the shower.

Can you hear my internal 'yippee?'

Oh, hi there! It's me again.

2009-03-11T13:59:00.001-07:00

I'm so sorry for the long absences. I keep going deeper inside myself the closer I get to this huge testing date in May. Which testing date?

Oh. That's right. I never blog anymore.

I'm taking the SPHR certification in May. It's a big deal because if I manage to finish that and my B.S. degree in August, I'll be just about done with school.

When I say 'just about' I mean, "Done if I don't decide to do law school."

Anyway, I'm boring right now! I wake up, put on 'new' pajama pants, study, eat some, study, play with the cat or dog, study, eat and then go back to sleep. Sometimes I get really crazy and I watch Hulu or play with my niece. It's quite boring!

Except for the part where a guy friend of mine did move in for a bit. Just a couple of months. And so my closet is all restricted. Oh, the stories I could tell about merging households --even temporarily. Suffice it to say, BUY A NEW PLACE TOGETHER! DO NOT ATTEMPT TO MERGE!

Other things I managed to do while I was gone include Mardi Gras, plan a Single Adult activity for Missoula and possibly adopt a dog.

Maybe I'm not so boring after all.

But until I decide that for real, here are some photos to hold you over.

A Tradition is Born

2009-02-22T18:33:00.000-08:00

I can't begin to describe how in love with Mardi Gras I am. The first day we were here we went to the inaugural parade of Ocean City, Mississippi. My camera was nearly dead but I managed to grab this shot of a door wreath...

We got some fantastic beads which started our quest to double our bead count at every parade. I will tell you, after Mobile yesterday we are going to have to get BUSY at the next parade.

Yesterday we went to Bellingrath Gardens and had a fantastic time before heading into Mobile, AL for oysters and parade fun. Here are a couple of highlight photos with descriptions to follow.

If Michael Jackson can dub himself the 'King of Pop'...

2009-02-16T19:37:00.001-08:00

Then I'm perfectly content dubbing myself "Queen of the Idiots." I have to say I'm really quite content with my life. I enjoy my apartment. I love my family being near me and I'm fearing that addictive force may keep me in Montana far past my planned stay here--we'll see. But when all is going so well I just have to throw in a little spice to keep myself off kilter. This particular spice always comes in a 'man' flavor. It's really quite amusing how predictable I am.

My favorite saying, or one of them, is "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got."

And yet...

See? Go get ready for my coronation.

Happy Anniversary, Sweetheart.

2009-02-14T22:49:00.000-08:00

Darling Apartment,

I can't believe it's been a year! I love that our anniversary gives me an additional reason to celebrate February 14th. Today I carefully swept and mopped your floors after repainting the cabinets. I could feel that you were happy with the facelift. At your request, I'll wait until you're fully healed to post pictures. I know it's gushy to write to you publicly like this and you'll probably be upset at me but I don't care! I must shout my love for you from the rooftops! I couldn't be happier to have a partner like you in my life. You're amazingly comforting, you're warm and you look dang good in red!

Just know, my love, that my heart is yours. I don't even *look* at others since I met you. I know we're not promised forever but I hope we can take every beautiful day at a time, appreciating the time we've been given.

With all my heart and most of my income,

Stephanie

Sing a happy song! January is O.V.E.R!

2009-02-02T08:37:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry for the absence. I was busy you see. I was channeling my inner-Tina-Fey and telling January to "Suck it!" Turns out yesterday, it finally gave in!

The trial didn't go the way of Alycia's family. And, in case he has Google Alerts on his name, Dr. Brent Lee of Fair Oaks Anesthesia Associates was found 'not guilty' in the wrongful death of my friend. Dr. Lee, you know what? I will always think that you were the axle in the wheel of incompetence that killed my friend. I would wish bad things on you, I would. And often do, actually. But I won't put them in writing. I just want you to know that it's obvious to any thinking person that you were just trying to avoid getting your ass sued for any rash action. The nurses there that night told me so. Your body language told me so. There's fault all around, yes. We both know it. A guy who says his passion is 'war surgery' should be far more daring. You screwed up. You were afraid. And because of that, you killed my friend. I hope you always remember. And, if nothing else, I hope it changed you in some small way.

And that's all I have to say about that.

February is going to be spent finishing up my semester and adjusting to a few changes. But my taxes are done! And my semester soon will be! So, overall, not a bad start to the year. And by 'start' I mean February 1. Because January really should be abolished.

Signs of stress eating.

2009-01-10T20:55:00.000-08:00

I just thought to myself, "We seriously only keep five pounds of margarine in this house? That seems irresponsible. Now where are the rest of those crackers?"

Really? Another airplane?

2009-01-09T09:46:00.000-08:00

Don't get me wrong--I usually love to get out of here. I just seems like I've been getting on a plane EVERY FIVE MINUETS for the last seven thousand years.

I'm going to attempt to keep up my blogging while I'm in DC but it's not a wildly happy occasion for being in that beautiful city, so I might not.

I will, however, still be totally enthralled by my new project a music review blog. So visit there. :)

Start the video at about 1:15

2009-01-05T22:40:00.000-08:00

Watch carefully for about 20 seconds for an update on my 'sugar' progress in 2009.

Et al, hello!

2009-01-03T11:12:00.000-08:00

I'm just sure someone is going to comment and point out that my new shoes are a 'luxury item' as prohibited by my resolutions. So I say unto you, I purchased them at 11:45pm on DECEMBER 31 because I knew full well I was going to make that resolution.

I wanted to blog today because I also have a resolution about blogging. Sadly, this is the only thing I could come up with. In further lameness, tomorrow I'm going to post my Christmas late-er (I could call it a 'letter' but then you wouldn't realize that I just sent out my 1995 Christmas cards last June) so I can keep my resolution without doing one whit of extra work!

Good work, everyone.

2009-01-02T17:14:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to take a moment and thank all the eels that died for my new shoes.

You did fantastic work and I couldn't be prouder to take you to church on Sunday.

2009: The Year of the Abstaining

2009-01-01T09:37:00.000-08:00

I have decided that this year is going to be all about denial of self-indulgence. How very Puritanical of me.

It's time. It's not that I don't love sugar, spending and...um...lots of other 's' words but it's time to invoke another 's'. Self control.

I know. I'm probably setting myself up for failure. But I don't really mind.

1 year without sugar. 1 year without spending on luxury items. 1 year to straighten up and fly right. Just to see if I can form the habit.

Here goes, almost literally, nothing!

Something like an annual review

2008-12-19T08:06:00.000-08:00

Things that have amused me this year:

The Periodic Table of Awesoments
Chuck Norris (I know. That happens EVERY year.)
Being the proxy for Rae's swearing so she doesn't have to pay herself
Boo's McGuyver Moment
Gwen and her scrapping skillz
Alisa's writing. <--I'd link you but she's protected the blog.
Molly's observations about motherhood
Zeitgeist
Facebook
Twitter
Your Mom
My Mom
Life
The Universe
Everything

Hey hey! Look at this!

2008-12-17T22:42:00.000-08:00

Dear World:

2008-12-15T11:39:00.000-08:00

No matter what you do, do *not* introduce your parents to Skype or webcams. You will spend the REST OF YOUR LIFE *watching* them make hotel reservations, critique your study habits and offer advice. When you're listening, at least you can multi-task!

Yes, I realize it's an awesome program. Yes, I know it's connectivity and that it's thrilling for them to see their grandbaby. Yes, I know that it's free. Yes, I know that seeing your parents is valuable but it will SUCK YOUR LIFE AWAY.

This is my advice, dear world. Just think about what I've said.

Lovingly,

Steph

Ah, the reactions I cause.

2008-12-13T09:52:00.003-08:00

This is what C. looks like when I talk to her about life, the Universe and everything.

Winter and ovens

2008-12-04T09:38:00.000-08:00

It's that time of year. The time of year when the sun does a quick curtsy every day and usually that's behind the clouds. So I go into my kitchen and remove the dial from the oven so later, when my head is inside, I won't be able to easily accomplish my goal.

I know this is being glib about suicide. I apologize to those who may be offended by it. But I'm only mostly kidding.

People often ask me why I live in Missoula. My answers are family, summers and 'have you seen a picture of where I live?'. They ask that, however, when I'm weeping into the phone and the sound is reverberating around the oven. Without fail, these calls happen between December and February. Here, in the wonderful mountains, fog and clouds often stay for days during those months. From my south-facing bedroom windows, I can literally watch the crescent of the sun as it breaks over the mountains and, seven hours later, falls back behind them. When I can actually see it I burn out my retinas by watching it in lustful thrall for those hours. All of them. Praying it will take me through the next three or four thousand million years where I can't see or feel it.

I know, I know. Melodrama. But you know what? That's how I feel! I just wanted to put it out there to remind me and to tell all of the others I know are close, "Take your head out of the oven, go to Home Depot buy a lamp and a full-spectrum light. Shine it directly into your mug every day for 10 minutes at breakfast. We'll make it until March."

On meandering though the weeds.

2008-12-03T01:27:00.000-08:00

I know my blog posts have been few and far between lately. I promise it's just me loving you. You don't need to hear my Emo-Teen-Starving-Artist-Angsty-Whoa-Is-Me-Blah-Blah posts. Truly. The other day I was writing about them and my diary actually yawned.

Yes, it's that bad.

Tonight I spent some time setting up my lights for Christmas and decorating for my second Christmas in my own place. Last year didn't count because I was living with Laurie and Tom, who had a huge home filled with Laurie's lifelong Christmas acquisitions and I didn't even bother to contribute anything other than a pie.

As my lights were going up and I was getting the corner ready for the tree I'll go cut down tomorrow, I was touched by the sweet memories of all my friends. I laughed thinking about blog posts for my birthday--I loved that! I chuckled at the funny ideas we've had, for instance the huge house in Savannah that Amber & I will eventually buy where we will sit on our front porch and shoot puppies and men at our leisure from our rocking chairs. I cried at our losses this year.* It has not been a good year for us, as a whole. Then was the moment to think about all the love we've shared in the wake of our losses. And for that, my friends, I'm truly thankful.

Now, here's to the holidays, singletons, loving each other and (Please, Dear God) a better 2009.

*Which, amazingly, is also the point where I took my PROZAC and decided to chill the hell out.

Ok, Gwen, you started it.

2008-11-20T20:49:00.000-08:00

You Are Chinese Checkers

You live a hyper, fast paced life. You rarely ever slow down.

You are good at juggling many things at once. You are the ultimate multi-tasker.

You enjoy being in a group - in fact the bigger the group, the better.

You are an enthusiastic competitor, and you can be a little ruthless when you play games.

What Board Game Are You?

The Ultimate Color Test

When you are at peace, you are:

Thoughtful and sensitive

When you are moved to act, you are:

Giving and warm

When you are inspired, you are:

Spontaneous and adventurous

When your life is perfectly balanced, you are:

Totally in the moment

Your life's purpose is:

To change the world

The Ultimate Color Test

What Your Home Says About You

You come across as very intellectual. People take your wisdom seriously.

You have amazing hygiene, and it shows. You are sparkling clean!

You are a very domestic person. You enjoy decorating, cooking, and making things homey.

You are a very nurturing person. You find meaning in taking care of others.

You feel settled in your life. You have enough time to focus on little details.

You are a somewhat self sufficient person. You can do fine on your own if you have to.

Your friends see you as insightful, encouraging, and progressive.

What Does Your Home Say About You?

I'm an Aunt! And other things.

2008-11-18T13:54:00.000-08:00

Recap-a-palloza!

Washington DC: I love that city! I never have enough time there, really. I got to see tons of friends and sights and I didn't kill any of my sweet friends on Skyline Drive. This may not sound like an accomplishment but, take it from those who were in the car, it was.

Have I mentioned how I love the flavors of DC? And how I love Crisp & Juicy? If not, consider it mentioned. I miss my restaurants almost as much as I miss my friends!

Halloween: So fun! Amber looked spectacular. I ran into bunches of people I hadn't seen in ages and felt better about being "old" and single. Lara & Nick made fast friends of my Mom with their pre-party political discussions. Perry chimed in from time to time. Fun was had by all!

Arrival back to Missoula: All I have to say about that is "I love my animals!" I was so happy to see both of them. Fur-babies are a very nice compromise.

School: I have 12 weeks (as of Friday) left to do as many credits as I can. If you do the math, I've passed 1 credit for each of the 12 weeks I've been in school so far. Not horrible but not as quickly as I was hoping to progress. But hey, at least it's progress! I'm a 'junior' now and that's better than I ever have been before! And in only 1.5 years.

Birthday: Sedate but good. I took myself out to lunch and had a free dessert. Quiet but the lunch was nice. My brother and sister-in-law brought over flowers and some very sweet gifts. My sister and brother-in-law were their usual amazing selves and I generally felt very loved. Thanks to everyone who ate for me!! That's my new tradition. Every year we're going to have an "eat and blog" celebration. It's the best! I got tons of smiles from it and you all enjoyed yourselves--win, win!

Auntie-dom: It's amazing how much I love my little niece. She's so cute and perfect. And taking after Dooce, I want to just put her whole head in my mouth. It's only been two days. I'm seriously considering jobs outside the Missoula area now and I'm so upset about the idea of leaving her (and the rest of my family). Who knew that I'd love it here so much? Oh. Wait. I did.

That's all for now. More regular posting will resume!

Welcome to the world, beautiful niece!

2008-11-15T14:33:00.001-08:00

10 am today at seven pounds, three ounces my little niece C. entered the world. She's 19.5 inches long and perfection in a body. Both Mom and Dad are doing well! I promise to catch up on my blogging soon but all my attention is going to be centered around this wonderful new human!

A Call to Eat.

2008-11-12T11:54:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow I turn 31. Want to help me celebrate? Good. I'm so glad!

I need you to eat for me.

No, I'm not kidding.

Find some amazing food that you love. Take a photograph of you eating it or right before you eat it and then blog it! Or email me. Something to help me enjoy the virtual flavors of my friends.

Off you go. Forage. Find food. Return with fullness and honor.

Quirky, here we come.

2008-10-25T20:27:00.000-07:00

Tristin (linked somewhere on this silly blog) tagged me to share 6 quirky things about myself with the world. Since I've already discussed my meds I figured, hey! Why not?

1) I am *very* particular about my bed. The sheets cost more than most of my shoes (and you know that's saying something). When I get into bed to sleep there must be NO wrinkles that I can discern through touch. I lay on my stomach, feet off the end of the bed, left ear to the pillow and the covers covering all but my right ear and face. I can NOT sleep without my ear out or my face covered.

2) I have more pens than Bank of America. You think I'm kidding? I have, at this moment, 2 quart-size bags filled with pens that I just discovered yesterday in addition to the mug of pens in each room. Needless to say, Goodwill won't be running out of pens any time soon.

3) I hate writing with pens without caps. It's simply immodest.

4) I refuse to organize my books. I always manage to find one that I haven't read or want to re-read when I'm looking for the one I'm thinking of. It's worked for years and the only a very cute man could change that.

5) I'm freakish about pedicures. I must have well attended feet at all times. Since I'm trying to be the Frugal Frida right now, I have to do them for myself. I hate it. As soon as I can it's back to $100/month for real pedicures.

6) I dislike wearing anything too tightly around my neck. No turtle-necks for this girl! Sometimes round necks are too tight. If I wear a necklace, which is very rare, it will be long enough to put my head through with my hair done easily and will probably be off mid-event. But I love earrings!

Merry Miss Medicated

2008-10-22T14:39:00.000-07:00

When I was young my nickname inside my family was Merry Miss Sunshine. Later in life my mother dubbed me 'brilliant' not because of my mental acuity but rather because it was hard to look at me too long without protective eye wear. In all, those two rather acutely describe how I see myself--bright, dazzling, overwhelming energy flowing in every direction kind of willy-nilly without any real purpose or control. Every now and then I'll have a solar flare and something will get done with energy concentrated in one spot.

In order to accomplish things like, say, an education that kind of energy is pretty pointless. Drop me into a party? It's on! Sit me in a classroom? People around me are just annoyed.

Years ago my Mom discovered that some of that inability to focus was due to lack of stimulation in my frontal lobes or, as it's commonly known, ADD. In the late nineties I tried a bunch of different medications in order to harness my potential and only Ritalin worked. I hated that I had to use it. Still do. But the reality is that it works. Also, it eases my mind that most of the population can't drop 60 milligrams of speed daily and feel more in control of themselves with no withdrawals when they stop. Clearly evidence of something physical, yes?

After some careful consideration I decided to end the two year lapse in medication. Mom asked me how it felt when I started again and the only thing I could think to answer was, "It feels like someone took all that energy and concentrated it into a laser aimed out of my chest. Kinda like a panic attack without the heart rate." That feeling generally lasts about two days and then it's more like a concentrated glow from my upper torso. It's so intensely odd to be able to sit down and think about something from beginning to end but I have four months to finish ten classes toward a degree I've been working on for thirteen years. It's worth the chink in my pride.

Why am I sharing? When I left the doctors office today I was very frustrated. I have a tall, skinny doctor who said to me, "Don't be so hard on yourself. I could only concentrate for two or three hours at a time when I was studying." I looked him straight in the eyes and said, "Dr. Smith, I set an egg time for 15 minutes and feel amazed if I don't break task before it rings." He just kind of sat there and then said, "Well, ok. I gave you the prescription." As I drove out of the parking lot I saw a sign that read, "Mental illness is a brain disease, not a character defect."

Not perfect, but close enough.

I hope that people who struggle with controlling their minds or urges realize they are not alone. I've talked about the sense of isolation that can pervade in single life--this is not entirely unlike that. Group them together and you have a heady cocktail of self-doubt. It's vital not to let that get the best of you--to stand up to your insecurities and step over them, beyond them into the life that you choose for yourself.

And that's all I have to say about that.

For now.

Girls are weird.

2008-10-19T19:34:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here tonight thinking about the oddity of emotions experienced by the SingleGirl. I'm hoping that some of you can relate so that I don't feel like a total idiot for writing then but, hey, I'm me. I'll probably avoid that particular emotion.

So, as in all great blogs, there's this guy. I've met him maybe twice. He lives over a few hundred miles away. He's not LDS. He's off limits from the 'Girl Code of Honor' standpoint. He's expressed mild interest and I expressed it right back because (despite all that) he's, well, a guy. To say that he was a casual acquaintance was probably putting too much familiarity into the statement. Tonight I logged onto a social networking site and saw that his relationship status had changed, pulling him (at least for the moment) off the market and thought, "Hey!"

You know that "Hey!" right? The one where you feel a door close somewhere in the long hallway of possibility and you can't help but think, "What if that was the door I wanted?!"

Logically, everything is telling you it's not the door. You weren't even really looking at or toward the door until you heard it close. And then suddenly, it's all about that door for a moment.

I have tons of guy friends--more than my girl friends, actually--and I love every one of them. I do, however, confess that when any of them finds a girlfriend there is a flash of that same, "Hey!" when the door of possibility closes. It truly is a flash and generally followed by a laugh at myself that it even happened but I can't help thinking every single time it happens, "Girls are so weird!"

Ode to Anne

2008-10-17T23:11:00.000-07:00

Every now and then Anne (linked somewhere on here, I'm sure) does a post full of her random cell phone pictures. Today I was thumbing through my phone and decided it was time to share!!

This is how Ziggy observes my typing.

I used to buy bones for my dog.

Charlie sent this one with the suggestion that he would be happy to arrange my marriage to the man so clearly intended for me. I swore at him.

This is my friend Paul playing Beer-Can Jenga. :) There are no more words.

Simple, not simplistic

2008-10-11T10:29:00.000-07:00

Recently that is the theme of my thoughts surrounding religion. I have volunteered to teach Sunday School tomorrow and it will be the theme of my lesson (found here). In order to illustrate my point that the simplicity of the gospel is often attacked by simplistic thinking, I'm dying to use a quote from George Carlin. However I have this rule: "If you have to ask if it's ok, the answer is 'no'." So, I will not use this quote:

"Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about it, religion has actually convinced people that there's an INVISIBLE MAN...LIVING IN THE SKY...who watches every thing you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten special things that he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish where he will send to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry for ever and ever 'til the end of time...but he loves you."

Treasures of Trash

2008-10-08T18:54:00.000-07:00

That's what my Mom calls the boxes of papers and memories in her attic. And we love her for it because despite her words, they're there.

Tonight I was going through some of what I have here with me and I found a print-out from the State Fair in Sacramento. In olden days we each got to spend a week alone with Grandma and Grandpa Harbour. As any of my siblings will tell you, those are some of our most precious memories. At this particular fair I think I was 11 or 12. At one booth you could sign your name and the computer would print an assessment of your personality. It was revolutionary. Grandpa got me one. This is what it says...

"Your Personality

You are active and full of life and never let anything get you down. You have a genuine interest in people. Sometimes you act in an unfriendly manner. You are sympathetic and a good listener. You tend to bottle up your feelings, loosen up. You enjoy challenge but avoid conflict. You remain dignified, even under stress. You are always ready for self-sacrifice. You find it difficult to accept compliments. You have a talent for getting along with people. Your approach to life should be a little more realistic. You're a no-nonsense type, who thrives on intellectual challenges."

It makes me really miss my Grandpa. I remember how he laughed when he read it. I also remember thinking it wasn't very right. It's amazing how dumb we are at 12.

Why so quiet, good Monsieur?

2008-10-03T08:14:00.000-07:00

I'm not one to blog on political topics. In general I believe myself to be under-educated on all things financial and political. Recently it's come to my attention that I have got to be educated--it's the only option for survival.

Yes, I live in Montana and some of my best friends here are what you'd call 'survivalists.' They are convinced the country is headed to financial collapse and an unprecedented depression. I happen to have a friend in DC who shares their opinions--as you know if you're connected to him on Facebook and read his notes.

This type of talk overwhelms me to a degree I find it hard to express. I'm single. I have virtually no savings. Currently my only income is governmental. While I'm within a hairs breadth of finishing my education, it's not done. I have no food storage save what would last me about a week.

Thank God for my camping gear!

I can't help, surrounded by all this very logical talk of depression with which I happen to agree almost totally, but wonder how to improve my situation. And then be daunted by the answers I come to. As it turns out, I just need to follow the advice I've already been given and use what resources I do have to bring my house in order.

I think this is a time for faith and action. In order to maintain any type of hope for my future I have to believe that America won't become Zimbabwe and I have to cut what I can from my current budget and use it to prepare. It may not be all wine and roses but it feels so essential to be able to provide for my own little family of one that I can't ignore the call.

I promise the next blog will be more cheery. After all, we'll be bailed out.

*snort*

Quotes that make me consider being Methodist

2008-09-21T10:48:00.001-07:00

"So I was, like, asked to talk on music and the church or music in the church. I don't know which but I guess, like, the topics are related. *giggle* So I, like, found this talk by a guy named Lex de Avez...uh..Aze...uh..whatever and if I say anything smart today it's probably from, like, his talk."

Damn Relationships

2008-09-21T02:01:00.000-07:00

Tonight I was so close to sleep, so amazingly close. Drifting off, near 2:45, to the wonderful sound of near silence which was then shattered by a woman screaming. I mean really, really screaming. And running while screaming. I was so scared for her I called 911. The officers were on other calls and the screaming had somewhat died down by the time I managed to dial so the operator instructed me to listen for anything further and call back if we needed an officer. I opened my window and listened a bit more.

She was screaming to call out her boyfriend or exboyfriend or some other damn relationship. SCREAMING at the top of her lungs.

When relating the tale to Erin after all hope of rest was lost I added that I wished I had a gun so that I could have made her screams worthwhile. Erin said wisely, " i have often believed that air guns are useful for exactly this purpose."

Amen, sister, amen.

Fear and Loathing in Insomnia

2008-09-19T23:29:00.000-07:00

Right now my cat is camped out on the ledge behind my laptop and my dog is laying on my feet. Both are looking at me with pleading eyes, begging for me to sleep. I agree that I should be sleeping but apparently the Universe has other plans. Also, every time I fall asleep right now I have crazy dreams. In normal people language, crazy dreams consist of something very odd happening while dreaming. In Harbour language that means you're running around a Old West town as a prostitute with your best friend, Indiana Jones and one of the Spice Girls. You're on a mission to save all literature. The mission depends on your ability to kiss as many people as you can without being shot by the sniper that is tracking you and aiming puppies with balloon-print collars in your direction.

No, I'm not even kidding.

And that was two nights ago. Last night was just too weird to even attempt to relate. Clearly I need more medication. And probably another seventeen years in therapy.

Many moons ago I promised Erin and Amber that I'd post pictures of my day out in Missoula. Normally they don't ask for pictures but, as we've clearly established here, I'm far from normal. One day a couple of weeks ago I was second-hand shopping. I discovered some curlers and thought to myself, "I'm now going to save energy by setting my hair in these every morning after my shower. How very green and retro of me!! Go me!" The next day I was anxiously waiting for a package that I knew would be delivered by noon and then I had to go *right* to the bank and onto some other errands. When I got out of the shower at 10:30 I thought to myself, "This is great! I have all day. I'm going to set my hair."

Yes, I really am that ADD.

By the time the package arrived and I realized that two of my worlds had collided, I thought, "Well, hell. I'm an hour and a half into this. I'm just going out like this."

Yes, friends. When you're single, jobless and socially backward you resort to curlers IN YOUR HAIR while you're in public. Let me be a warning to you.

And if you're really feeling amazing--you put scarves on to secure the buggers in place. And then you go to Wal-Mart and soon feel quite a bit better about yourself.

Can we just talk for a moment about how some day a prospective boyfriend is going to find this post and then send me an uncomfortable email? Don't worry. I'll just laugh. Exactly like I did all day walking around with those on my head.

He makes a good point.

2008-09-12T07:30:00.000-07:00

I haven't had cable in nearly a year and I don't particularly like television anymore. I watch shows online sometimes and I'm sure when new episodes of my favorites (House and Heros) come out, I'll kick myself for not having the ability to watch them RIGHT NOW THIS INSTANT but somehow I'll live. And of the television I'm avoiding, late-night talk shows are something I didn't watch to begin with unless the insomnia got so bad I could even think about moving my eyeballs to read anymore.

That said, of that bunch, I've always like Craig Ferguson the best. Don't know why, really, other than he appeals to my sense of kooky humor. This morning Lara (of Nick & Lara on the sidebar--oh! except I looked and I haven't added them yet but I will after I publish this) posted a link on Facebook that I thought was so great, I'd share.

Thanks, Lara! And thanks to Craig for a good point. Enjoy!

As a devoted fan of Dwight...

2008-09-11T07:00:00.001-07:00

I must share.

To my darling friends,

2008-09-09T19:29:00.000-07:00

I don't know if you know this about me but sometimes at night I sit here in my little home and just stare off into space, thinking about all of you. I worry over each of you in my mind and send out little prayers for things I think could help. Sometimes if I'm shopping or the like, I think of you and imagine how we'd laugh together over something that was special just to us. It's so fun to have each of you there in my mind.

Sometimes, like today, I distinctly feel this weight about not being able to solve your problems. It's silly, I know. It's illogical, I know. And boy do I know it's not my job to solve your stuff. I also know that you're wildly capable of doing it on your own. That doesn't change that I would, in a second, take the crap that each of you is bearing now and replace it with daisies and sunshine if I could.

I hope you know that, dear ones. Even when it's horrible and I say things that add to the mess--I love you and I'd take it all if I could. And even when you don't feel like anyone knows you're alive, I do.

I just wanted you all to know that.

Love, kisses and wishes for hottie spouses--

Me

3-mile barrier, take that!!!

2008-09-05T09:42:00.000-07:00

3.18 miles today, folks! In a mere 4.5 hours. Well, ok. Maybe not that much. I swear if I could just figure out how to breathe and run at the same time, I'd be in a much better position.

I said to Gwen today, "Someday I am going to be one of the skinny chicks running past a fat girl just starting to work out. She will look at me with the envy I now have for the lithe-bodied young un's gliding past. And on that day I will smile and offer encouragement mentally!"

Odes on Wednesday

2008-09-03T09:06:00.002-07:00

I had a great weekend in Glacier. Today I thought it was appropriate to go all Neruda and do some odes, open letter style.*

Dear Legs,
Thank you for not giving up! I know it was a close call with all that walking and hauling of my inordinately large body. It's appropriate to say, 'Kudos to you, kids!' because you didn't give up and you're even allowing me to move you again, now that it's Tuesday. Go quads! Calves forever! Knees rule!

Love, Mom

Dear Cars Full of College Guys,
Listen. I know that feminism is kicking the butt of chivalry. I get that you've each probably been given a dirty look for holding a door for the wrong woman. But hell! It's a flat tire in the middle of a national park! You could at least slow down.

Just a suggestion, The Girl Who Had Her Head Stuck Under The Car Trying To Find A Jack Point

To my tow truck driver,
Thank you for providing a glimpse into the backwoods of Montana! Without your decision to bring my car and I along on such an adventure, we never would have discovered that backwoods poodle mill or the very old guy who is clearly hoarding granite counter tops for the second coming. Who knew that hermits had AAA? Not me!

Thanks for the enlightenment, The Girl Clinging To The Door And Praying

Memo to my Primitive Inner Woman:

We! Made! Fire!
With wet wood, even. Good job you sexy, pronounced forehead girl! Go find your club and see about that man we saw on the trail.

Love, Your Barely More Advanced Version

Dear Financial Aid Office,
I didn't think anyone could spoil my mood after the weekend but you managed. Thank you for the reminder about gravity. Don't worry. I hiked 11.6 miles while weighing, like, 498 pounds. You can't keep me down! I'll be just fine without you.

Kiss off, The Girl Who Knows It's Really Her Bad Planning But Is Not About To Admit It

To my lovely Glacier,
I miss you already, sexy! I smiled when I made that turn off Hwy 2 into you in August. Don't worry. I won't stay away long again. You're too dynamic, beautiful, clarifying and, if I may sing to you for a moment, "Yoooouuuu make meee feeeeel likkkee a naaattuurrall wooomannnnnn!"

All my love, energy and s'more! Your Favorite Daughter

*Recently my kitten has become fascinated with the cursor. As I started to write this he hopped up on my desk, sat down between my arms and started trying to 'catch' it. What a weird kid! Just like his momma.

Into the great, wide open.

2008-08-27T23:39:00.001-07:00

I've gotten a crazy hair to camp this weekend. Well, not so crazy. I've been planning it for about a month now! <--for me to be focused on anything non-male that long is truly astounding.

I'm going to head to Glacier for a few days and hike my rear off. I'm really looking forward to the chance to shoot a few photos in such a pristine location. And this will be the first time I've ever been camping solo--which I'm anxious but excited about. I must confess to making sure that I had an extra hatchet to keep in the tent with me--and I wasn't thinking about the bears at that point. For the sake of my Grandmother, I'll point out that I'm going to be camping in spots that make seeing bears in camp about as likely as a grizzly popping out of the shoe section in Saks Fifth Avenue. The later part of the week I should have myself ensconced in a more 'she-she' camping spot which may have wi-fi. If not, I bid you all a great Labor Day weekend and say unto you, "Get married already!"

Taking advantage of the fact that she does not have this blog address.

2008-08-26T14:27:00.000-07:00

Recently my Dad hurt his back doing some yard work with my Mom--lifting a two-ton boulder or some such thing. Dad is traveling this week and staying with Grandma (his Mom) as a base of operations. My Grams is one of the sweetest, nicest people I know. She's one of my best friends and knows me better than almost anyone. She is also amazing unaware sometimes.

In order to accommodate Dad, Mom called Grams to tell her about his pain-relief regimen and make sure Grams had everything on hand. Finding one deficiency in her stash, my Grams proceeded to call every drugstore in her area and ask for a 'heating vibrator' for Dad to use on his back.

Bad Brie, Good Wedding

2008-08-25T17:45:00.000-07:00

This Saturday I had the chance to attend (and help photograph) the wedding of a friend. The setting was amazing--the private home of a long-time friend with fantastic, wispy trees in front of a pond in the shadow of the Bitteroot mountains. Bride and groom were gorgeous and it was so much fun to be around their family. I lived with the grooms younger sister (who remains one of my best, good friends) and I've loved the chaos that comes with them for many years and they didn't disappoint this time!

A tent was set up on the lawn for the reception and the food--yummy! That's where the brie comes in. It's all I had time for between the photos. Well, ok. It's brie. I made time. Apparently too much time because today I haven't been able to function. Happily, I saved $50 and did my own pedicure! Also, I haven't spent a single penny on food today. Always a silver lining folks!

Blech.

I leave you with the happy thought of the first dance. If you're linked to me on Facebook, other photos appear there.

Church as an Obstacle

2008-08-24T13:09:00.000-07:00

When I get too frustrated I try to turn it into something positive--usually cleaning. And when I'm frustrated like I am today, my godson could lick most any surface in my house without causing me one iota of worry. Truly. You could eat off the floors under my radiators. Now that is CLEAN.

It is no secret to anyone who knows me that I miss my ward in DC very much. Not the social aspect, oddly, but the lessons, the reverence and the Spirit. When I attend a family ward, as I did today, it is sometimes frustrating beyond my ability to process. Children are running everywhere, their parents unworried. The general din of noise is nearly impenetrable by the speaker at points. And the content--good heavens.

Please don't misunderstand. I've attended to multiple children during meetings and I understand the difficulty of controlling them. I understand that children are a joy and I like the little tykes. Most of the time I even find their antics more amusing than annoying. As a rule, however, I deeply respect parents that instill in their children reverence so that they don't detract from the personal, spiritual moments of others. There was a family when we lived in Southern California who had AMAZING children. Truly. They would sit still without treats or quiet books. They remained on the benches. And two of them were boys under the age of four. I think they did it because their Mother expected it of them and wouldn't accept anything less. And the consequences for misbehavior were ones they didn't want to pay. Even at 14-years-old I appreciated that family and I very much hope to model mine after them. I talk about this only because today I needed to work on tweaking my attitude at church, which I will get to later, and I had a horrible time because, literally, it was difficult to hear the speaker (let alone the Spirit) over the children.

At one point today a speaker said, "As we all know, when you get to the end of your life you'll spend most of your time considering how your children turned out." I wanted to stand and scream, "UNLESS YOU DON'T HAVE CHILDREN!" So, clearly things weren't off to a good start. The second speaker spoke in awe about grasping a concept that I've understood clearly (as have most sentient beings) since Primary. It was here that I decided my attitude needed adjustment.

I understand that eventually I'm going to have to become comfortable with family wards. I'm going to have to swallow the unintentional comments of others because I am not the only one that can take offense to things--and I don't typically. I just can't help but feeling like Church is an obstacle to my testimony right now. I miss reverence. I miss being challenged by lessons and learning from my peers. As I was cleaning, however, an interesting thought solidified in my mind.

When I started on the floors I thought angrily to myself, "I hate being spoon fed the damn basics of the Gospel." Then the little voice in my mind said, "Consider it this way--when you were in Langley, you *were* being spoon fed. All you had to do was lean forward a tiny bit and there was nourishment. Now you've gotta work for it." Then, as the main portion of my mind was reacting, I heard the little self-righteous laugh of that voice as it knew it had a very good point.

Church may well be my obstacle but I'll be damned if I'll let it stand between God and me.

Many, many moons ago

2008-08-21T07:23:00.000-07:00

Tristin tagged me to do this. So Tris, here is it!

Joys:
1) Perfect peace in my clean apartment.
2) Hearing the voices of my loved ones.
3) My fur-babies (Duke and Ziggy).
4) My new camping gear!

Fears:
1) Spiders
2) Death of others
3) Celibacy for the rest of my life! ;)

Goals:
1) Attain my elusive degree!
2) Hit the '100 countries' mark.
3) 26.2 miles in less than 6 hours.

Obsessions/Collections:
1) Obsession- Carrots and Cool Whip!! <--just trust me and try it. You'll be happy.
2) Obsession- Stories-I love to hear about other people!
3) Collection- Books and some more books. And a couple of books.

Random surprising facts:
1) Please, don't touch the header felt in a car when I'm in there. I *hate* that sound.
2) I have seen every episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and the musical is the best one.
3) I was once Bugs Bunny.
4) At no point in my apartment are you more than 10 steps from one of my many stereos. It's bordering on insane. I like it.

Bitter Ampersand Worries

2008-08-20T18:42:00.000-07:00

I've been wondering if I was going to announce this blog to my friends--if it would even continue. It's been some time since I blogged but I'm ready to talk again.

One of my concerns when considering this blog was the perception of bitterness on my part--I'd like to say right now, I'm not bitter. I hope my married friends are as happy as I am. I just want a venue where I can talk about thing like ampersands. Things that single girls notice.

Tonight I was cruising around some of the blogs of my friends here in Montana (or from Montana) and nearly all of them are married. As I looked over their blogs each of their blog rolls had dual name listings "Barry and Marry", "Bobby and Sue," "Wedded Bliss and Green Envy." You know. Stuff like that. And I must say, I've kind of grown to dislike the ampersand. Maybe it's because it's one of those thing reminders Singletons hear when Marrieds don't even know they're transmitting. Maybe it's just me.

But tonight it's raining and there's a round of saddness running in my friends and it feels like a perfect night to unburden on someone obligated (by their own choice) to listen to my stories, offer solutions for my friends and then hold me tight. I long for that again but it's not my time. Truly, I'm ok with that in the broad scope. Tonight is feeling narrow.

Mr. Listy

2008-07-02T21:50:00.000-07:00

Things I love about being single include:

No one moves my stuff. When I come home at night to cook s'mores over my gas burner, I don't have to turn on the lights!

I'm a habitual streaker from shower to closet and I can do that without frightening anyone.

If my laundry remains neatly in the duffel bag on the couch for a couple of days, no one minds.

I'm learning not to be afraid of the dark or my own mind.

Prayers can be as long or as short as I'd like, sometimes prayed in various places in the house without any censure for how God and I have discussions.

Things I hate about being single:

Coming home without someone who is obligated to listen and care about my day.

Cuddling with my extra pillows just isn't the same.

Somehow things really are easier in teams.

I actually miss having a 'head of the household' and I find it difficult to replicate.

Sometimes I wish I could quit reminding myself not to pray for someone to join my life. Wouldn't it be nice to be able to cease halting the natural "Send someone, please"?

And so it begins...

2008-07-01T21:01:00.000-07:00

Tonight is one of those nights when you feel distinctly single--Family Dinner night. I'm sure you know what I mean, fellow LDSingletons. Tonight we sat in my brother-in-law and sisters home with my brother and sister-in-law and discussed birth plans which I attempted to drown out with an episode of "Deadliest Catch" which I'd already seen. Twice.

My community could hardly be considered rural. The city here is eighty thousand people and counting. The LDS community here is thriving and is comprised of a student ward and four family wards in addition to some smaller, outlying branches. All in all, not a bad place to be--except that they're all married. I know that can't totally and logically be true but intuitively it feels true. I am a lone woman in the wilderness. And slightly over dramatic.

As I was driving home I thought to myself, it's time to reach out to a larger community. So, I cam home and got on blogger--the Great American Outreach tool. I wanted to remind myself that I'm not alone in my situation, that there are other women in this situation and maybe, by talking about my experiences and struggles, I can connect with them and vice-versa because--let's face it--doing this all alone will never work and married people just don't understand.